1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,074 Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org 2 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,908 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 3 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,892 FELIX: A room, please. - You alone? 4 00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:44,979 - Yeah. CLERK: Luggage? 5 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:46,856 How long you want it for? 6 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,650 Not very long. 7 00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:56,783 Five dollars. 8 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,125 307. 9 00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:10,046 Uh, haven't you anything higher? 10 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,423 Higher? 11 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,933 914? 12 00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:00,638 Good night. 13 00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:02,765 Goodbye. 14 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,553 [GRUNTS] 15 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,228 [GRUNTING] 16 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,191 [GROANS] 17 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:20,277 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh. 18 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,155 [GROANING] 19 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,547 [ALL CHATTERING] 20 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:33,684 [BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC] 21 00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,215 - [INAUDIBLY] What will you have? - [INAUDIBLY] What? 22 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:08,177 - What will you have? - Scotch. 23 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,475 Thank you. 24 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,008 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 25 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:50,136 Oh, no. 26 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,297 Ante. 27 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,424 ALL: Ante up. 28 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,693 [CARDS SHUFFLING] 29 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,003 Excuse me. Aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid? 30 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,047 You don't like it, get a machine. 31 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,840 Jeez, it stinks in here. 32 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,051 - What time is it? - Again, "what time is it"? 33 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:55,928 I'd like to know what time it is. 34 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,722 You're winning $95. Where the hell you running? 35 00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:02,810 - I'm not running, I just asked what time it was. - It's 10:30. 36 00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,230 - I gotta leave by 12. - Oh, heh. 37 00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,607 I told you that when I sat down. I gotta leave by 12. 38 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:12,236 Murray, didn't I say that when I sat down? I said I gotta leave by 12. 39 00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:14,780 Don't talk to him. He's dealing. 40 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,535 Wanna rest for a while, Murray? Go lie down, sweetheart. 41 00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:22,997 You want speed or accuracy? Make up your mind. 42 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:29,211 Hey, you wanna do me a really big favor? Smoke towards New Jersey. 43 00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:36,218 No kidding. I'm really worried about Felix. He's never been this late before. 44 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,554 Maybe somebody should call. 45 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:41,598 Hey, Oscar. Why don't you call Felix? 46 00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:45,644 Why don't we chip in $3 apiece and buy another window? How can you breathe in here? 47 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,188 How many cards you got? Four? 48 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:52,860 Yes, Murray. We all have four cards. When you give us one more, we'll all have five. 49 00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:56,363 If you gave us two more, we'd all have six. You understand how it works? 50 00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,949 Is Oscar playing or not? 51 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:00,743 Hey, Oscar! 52 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:04,079 - Yeah? MURRAY: Hey, Oscar, you in or out? 53 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,623 Out, pussycat. Out. 54 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,501 I told my wife I'd be home by 1, the latest. 55 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,088 We're making an 8:00 plane to Florida. I told you that when I sat down. 56 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,466 Who goes to Florida in July? 57 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,217 Well, it's off-season. 58 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:21,055 There's no crowds, and you get the best room for one-tenth the price. No cards. 59 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,932 Some vacation. Six cheap people in an empty hotel. 60 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,393 Dealer takes four. 61 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:31,774 Hey, you think maybe Felix is sick? I mean, he's never been this late before. 62 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,109 This is the same garbage from last week's game. 63 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,986 I'm beginning to recognize things. 64 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:37,905 - I'm out. - Two kings. 65 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:39,406 Straight. 66 00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,910 Hey, maybe he's in his office locked in the john again. Ha, ha. 67 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:46,622 Did you know that Felix was once locked in the john overnight? Yeah. 68 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,416 He wrote out his entire will on a half a roll of toilet paper. 69 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,626 [MURRAY and ROY CHUCKLE] 70 00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:51,835 What a nut. 71 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:55,255 Don't play with your chips. I'm asking nice. Don't play with your chips. 72 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:58,008 I'm not playing, I'm counting. Leave me alone, will you? 73 00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:01,970 If you stop playing with your chips. I can't stand a guy who plays with his chips. 74 00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,557 It's my house, Vinnie. You wanna play with your chips, you play with them. 75 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,769 - I'm in for a quarter. - Aren't you gonna look at your cards first? 76 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,729 What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. 77 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:13,023 - Who gets a Pepsi? - I get a Pepsi. 78 00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,692 My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi. 79 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,444 Still didn't fix the refrigerator? 80 00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,197 It's been two weeks now. No wonder it stinks in here. 81 00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,826 Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. 82 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,619 I'm out. Who wants food? 83 00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:26,912 What do you got? 84 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:31,792 I got brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. 85 00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,461 - Which one do you want? - What's the green? 86 00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:38,674 - It's either very new cheese or very old meat. - I'll take the brown. 87 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:41,593 - You crazy? You're not gonna eat that, are you? - I'm hungry. 88 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,179 His refrigerator's been out of order for two weeks. 89 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:46,932 I saw milk standing in there that wasn't in a bottle. 90 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,518 What are you, some kind of a health nut? Eat, Murray. 91 00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,019 I got six cards. 92 00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:53,147 - That figures, I got three aces. - Misdeal. 93 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:56,400 - You want some peanuts? - Know who makes good sandwiches? Felix. 94 00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:59,236 Ever taste his cream cheese and pimento on date-nut bread? 95 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:02,156 All right, make up your mind, poker or recipes. 96 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,534 VINNIE: Aw, hey, Oscar. Hey, Oscar, you got beer all over my glasses. 97 00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:08,287 - For crying out loud. - You got it on the chips. 98 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,998 - Come on. - You got it all over me now! 99 00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:14,126 SPEED: Is everybody gonna stand here or we gonna play some poker? 100 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,712 - What is this? Here. MURRAY: You got it on the suits. 101 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,840 OSCAR: Don't worry about it. - Don't put it in the middle of the table. 102 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,217 - Put it on the side. SPEED: Wipe the cards. 103 00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:25,387 VINNIE: Get the bill. Right there. OSCAR: Spill a little beer... 104 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:29,266 - How can you play like this? VINNIE: Wipe the middle. You didn't get there. 105 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,685 - Come on, let's play some poker here. OSCAR: Thank you. 106 00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,396 - What's the game? - Who's playing here? 107 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:37,399 - Vinnie, tell Oscar what time you're leaving. - Twelve o'clock. 108 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,735 We got 10 minutes before the next announcement. 109 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,487 All right, this is five-card stud. 110 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,031 [SINGS IN OPERATIC VOICE] Five-card studarino 111 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:47,117 A red lady, a deuce, cuatro... 112 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,912 ...a big ace for the policeman. Bet. 113 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,748 Wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter? 114 00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:54,541 - You didn't. - You got a big mouth. 115 00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,043 Just for that, lend me $20. 116 00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,504 I just loaned you $20. Borrow from somebody else. 117 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,215 - I keep winning my own money back. - You owe everybody. 118 00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:04,843 - If you don't have it, you shouldn't play. - I'm through being the nice guy. 119 00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,845 You owe me $6.00 apiece for the buffet. 120 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:09,139 ALL: What buffet? 121 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:13,101 Buffet. Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school. 122 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,646 What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? 123 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:19,608 Murray, lend me $20, or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress. 124 00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:20,817 [PHONE RINGING] 125 00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,069 Hey, maybe that's Felix. 126 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,114 - Pair of 6's. VINNIE: Three deuces. 127 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,408 MURRAY: Ugh. - Why didn't you go to Florida last night? 128 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:29,660 Oscar the poker player. 129 00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:32,162 VINNIE: If that's my wife, tell her I'm leaving at 12. 130 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:35,707 You look at your watch once more, you get the peanuts in your face. Deal. 131 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,293 - Cut. - Would you talk up? I can't hear you. Who? 132 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,503 [MEN CHATTERING] 133 00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:42,965 Dabby? Dabby who? No, there's no Dabby here. 134 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,051 Oh, "Daddy." For crying out loud, it's my kid. 135 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:49,888 Brucey. How are you, baby? Huh? 136 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,974 Yes, it's... No, I couldn't... 137 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:55,477 No, there's a lot of boys here. We're playing. Huh? 138 00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,688 Boys, fellas, give me a break, will you? 139 00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:01,775 My 5-year-old kid is calling from California. It must be costing him a fortune. 140 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,860 - How have you been, honey? SPEED: Okay, deal. 141 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,196 Yes. Yes, I got your letter. 142 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,532 Yes. It took three weeks. 143 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:12,119 Next time, you tell Mommy to give you a stamp. 144 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:16,164 Yeah, I know, honey, but you're not supposed to draw it on. 145 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:17,374 [CHUCKLES] 146 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:21,211 - You hear this? You hear? - Yeah, we hear, we hear. We're all thrilled. 147 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:24,298 Huh? Huh? Oh, Mommy wants to talk to me? 148 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:28,093 All right, sweetheart. I love you, soldier. Goodbye. 149 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,555 - Ante a dollar. - Cost you $1 to play, Oscar. You got $1? 150 00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,224 Not after I get through talking to this lady. 151 00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:36,268 Hello, Blanche. How are you? 152 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:40,606 Yeah, I got a good idea why you're calling. I'm a week behind with the check, right? 153 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,858 Four weeks? It's not possible. 154 00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:47,029 Because it's not possible. Blanche, I keep a record of every check in my files here... 155 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:50,198 ...and I happen to know I'm only three weeks behind. 156 00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:56,079 Look, don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. 157 00:15:56,247 --> 00:16:00,917 With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do. 158 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,587 Very nice language in front of the children. 159 00:16:03,755 --> 00:16:05,380 [LINE CLICKS] 160 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,008 I'm $800 behind in alimony. 161 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,052 - Let's raise the stakes. - She can do it. 162 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,595 - Do what? - Throw you in jail. 163 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:15,098 Ah, but if she can't call me once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy. 164 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:16,850 Aren't you worried about the kids? 165 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:20,520 The kids are living in their grandfather's house with a pool in California. 166 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,273 - Can we play cards? - I told you you'd get into trouble. 167 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,984 You don't know how to manage anything. I'm your accountant. 168 00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,320 If you're my accountant, how come I need money? 169 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,613 How come you play poker? 170 00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,239 - I need money. - You always lose. 171 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,367 - That's why I need money. - Then don't play. 172 00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,911 Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips. 173 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,246 - Wise guy. Potato chips. - Beautiful. Beautiful. 174 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,581 - Look at that. - Wonderful. 175 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:42,376 What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game. 176 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:44,461 SPEED: Who's playing? We've been talking since 8. 177 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,630 VINNIE: Since 7. When I said I was gonna quit at 12. 178 00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:49,132 SPEED: How'd you like a banana right in the mouth? 179 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,551 MURRAY: All right. All right. All right! Calm down! 180 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,387 Calm down! Take it easy. 181 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:57,015 I'm a cop, you know. I could arrest the whole lousy game. 182 00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:02,020 My friend Murray is right. Let's just play cards. 183 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,398 And please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them. 184 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,607 [PHONE RINGING] 185 00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:09,111 He owes money to his wife, government, friends, and he still won't take it seriously. 186 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:12,781 Life goes on, even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy. 187 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,076 Hello. Divorced, broke and sloppy. 188 00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,161 Hello, sweetheart. 189 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,622 Yes, darling. 190 00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,082 [CHUCKLES] 191 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,420 Yes. Listen, darling, I told you not to call me during the game. 192 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,964 I can't talk to you now. 193 00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,133 [LAUGHING] 194 00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,512 You know I do, darling. 195 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,055 Yeah. 196 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,391 Hold on just a second. Murray, it's your wife. 197 00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:43,311 [MEN LAUGHING] 198 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,941 I wish you were having an affair with her. Then she wouldn't bother me. Hello, Mimi. 199 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,901 [IN FALSETTO] "What time are you coming home?" 200 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:53,405 - [IN DEEP VOICE] "About 12:00, 12:30." - About 12:00, 12:30. 201 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,532 Why, what do you want, Mimi? 202 00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:58,034 A corned-beef sandwich and a strawberry malted? 203 00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,621 - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Is she pregnant again? - No, just fat. Ha-ha-ha. 204 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,666 How could you hear that? I had the phone over my chest. 205 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,087 Who, Felix? No, he didn't show up tonight. What's wrong? 206 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:11,965 You're kidding. 207 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,218 No. How should I know? 208 00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:19,890 All right. All right, Mimi. I'll take care of it. Goodbye. 209 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,978 - What did I tell you? Felix is missing. - What do you mean, missing? 210 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,440 He didn't show up for work, didn't come home. Nobody knows where he is. 211 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,025 Mimi just spoke to his wife. 212 00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:32,402 Wait a minute. No one is missing for one day. 213 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,738 - Maybe he had an accident. - They would've heard. 214 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:37,324 If he's laying in a gutter, who would know who he is? 215 00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:39,326 He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. 216 00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,995 The minute something happens to him, America lights up. 217 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:44,206 I'll call his wife. 218 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,627 I thought he looked edgy the last couple of weeks. 219 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,295 Didn't you think he looked edgy? 220 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,005 No. I thought you looked edgy. 221 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,883 Frances. How are you? Oscar. 222 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:57,344 - Yeah. Yeah, I just heard. - Tell her not to worry. 223 00:18:57,512 --> 00:18:59,513 - She's probably hysterical. - You know women. 224 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,390 Listen, Frances, the most important thing is not to worry. 225 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,559 - Oh. She's not worried. - Sure. 226 00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:07,646 Listen, Frances, do you have any idea at all where he could be? 227 00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:09,815 You what? 228 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,566 You're kidding. 229 00:19:12,235 --> 00:19:13,985 Oh, no. I... 230 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,821 I didn't know. 231 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,364 Yeah. 232 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,866 No, he never told me. Yeah. 233 00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,326 All right. 234 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,454 Yeah. All right, listen, Frances, you just sit tight... 235 00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:27,666 ...and the minute I hear anything, I'll let you know. Right. 236 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:30,001 Okay. Goodbye. 237 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,518 You gonna tell us, or do we hire a private detective? 238 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,608 - They broke up. ROY: Who? 239 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:57,112 "Who?" Felix and Frances who. 240 00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,865 They broke up. The entire marriage is through. 241 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,658 You're kidding. 242 00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,368 After 12 years? 243 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,537 VINNIE: They were such a happy couple. 244 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,957 He'll go to pieces. I know Felix. He's gonna go try something crazy. 245 00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,751 That's all he ever used to talk about. His wife and kids. 246 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:15,005 He'll kill himself. Hear what I'm saying? He's gonna kill himself. 247 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:18,091 Would you shut up, Murray? Stop being a cop for two minutes. 248 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,177 - Where'd he go, Oscar? - He went out to kill himself. 249 00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,221 - What did I tell you? - Are you serious? 250 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:27,225 That's what she said. He didn't wanna do it at home because the kids were sleeping. 251 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,186 VINNIE: Why? - Why? Because Felix is a nut, that's why. 252 00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,189 Is that what he said? In those words? "I'm gonna kill myself"? 253 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,775 I don't know in what words. She didn't read it to me. 254 00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,986 - He left her a note? - No, he sent a telegram. 255 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,572 A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram? 256 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,115 Felix the nut, that's who. 257 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:46,202 Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even has to tip the kid a quarter. 258 00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:54,920 [YELPS] 259 00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,383 Maybe he's bluffing. We get these cases every day. 260 00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,177 All they want is a little sympathy. 261 00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,680 We got a guy who calls every Saturday from the George Washington Bridge. 262 00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,642 You never can tell what a guy will do when he's hysterical. 263 00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:12,020 - Nah. Nine times out of 10, they don't jump. - What about the 10th time? 264 00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,481 They jump. He's right. There's a possibility. 265 00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:17,859 Not with Felix. I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. 266 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:20,195 He wears his seat belt in the drive-in movie. 267 00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:24,449 [DOORBELL BUZZES] 268 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:28,578 Of course. If you're gonna kill yourself, where's the safest place to do it? 269 00:21:28,746 --> 00:21:30,288 With your friends. Open the door. 270 00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:34,501 The guy may be hysterical. Let's play it nice and easy. If we're calm, he'll be calm. 271 00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:36,920 That's what they do to those guys out on the ledge. 272 00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:38,964 - What are we gonna say to him? - Nothing. 273 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:43,385 Are you through with this discussion? He already could've hung himself in the hall. 274 00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,136 Vinnie, open the door. 275 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:48,139 - Remember, like we don't know nothing. - Okay. 276 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:56,064 VINNIE: Oh, hi, Felix. - Hi... 277 00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:06,366 Hey, fellas. 278 00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,827 - Hi, Fel. - Hi, Felix. 279 00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:18,795 How's the game going? 280 00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,505 MURRAY: Good. VINNIE and SPEED: Very nice. 281 00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:25,135 Good, good. 282 00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:35,020 - Sorry I'm late. OSCAR: Mm. 283 00:23:00,921 --> 00:23:03,673 There any...? Ahem. Any ginger ale left? 284 00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:04,883 - Ginger ale? - Yeah. 285 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:07,844 Gee, no, I don't think so, Fel. I got some root beer. 286 00:23:08,012 --> 00:23:09,345 Nope. 287 00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,265 Felt like a ginger ale. 288 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,726 Somehow, I don't feel like a root beer... 289 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,648 ...tonight. 290 00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:24,778 What's the bet? 291 00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:29,532 Uh, you bet a quarter. It's up to Murray. Murray, what do you say? 292 00:23:32,703 --> 00:23:33,828 Murray? 293 00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:35,413 - Murray. - Tap his shoulder. 294 00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:36,915 - What? What? - It's up to you. 295 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:39,584 - Why's it always up to me? - It's not always up to you. 296 00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:40,877 - What do you do? - I'm in. 297 00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:42,337 SPEED: Okay. 298 00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:45,590 Um, anybody call about me? 299 00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:48,134 Call about you? No. 300 00:23:48,302 --> 00:23:49,803 No, not that I can remember. 301 00:23:50,721 --> 00:23:52,222 Why, were you expecting a call? 302 00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:54,516 Uh, did anyone call for Felix? 303 00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,267 MURRAY: No. VINNIE: No, I don't think so. 304 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:57,769 Were you expecting a call? 305 00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:01,106 Uh, no, I was just asking. 306 00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:03,233 OSCAR: I raise a dollar. 307 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,736 SPEED: Costs me a dollar and a quarter, right? OSCAR: Right. 308 00:24:06,904 --> 00:24:09,531 Just thought somebody might have called. 309 00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:15,411 Nobody called, nobody called. 310 00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,624 Uh, what does it cost me to play again? 311 00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:22,293 A dollar and a quarter. For God's sake, pay attention. 312 00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:24,462 ROY: All right, take it easy. OSCAR: Calm down. 313 00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:26,923 - Calm down. - I can't help it. He makes me nervous. 314 00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:29,259 I make you nervous? You make everybody nervous. 315 00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,719 - I'm sorry, forgive me. I'll kill myself. - Murray! 316 00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:33,930 Oh, sorry. 317 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,186 That's a pretty view from here. What is it, 12 floors? 318 00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:42,355 No. 319 00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:44,607 No, it's only 11 floors, that's all. 320 00:24:44,775 --> 00:24:47,152 See, it's only 11 floors. 321 00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:51,698 It says 12, but it's really only 11. 322 00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:55,160 Gee, it's chilly in here. 323 00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,414 Isn't it chilly in here? 324 00:24:59,582 --> 00:25:01,541 SPEED: Yes, it is a little. ROY: Very chilly. 325 00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:05,128 - Wanna sit and play, Felix? It's still early. - Sure, we're in no rush. 326 00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:08,089 We're gonna be here till 3, 4 in the morning. 327 00:25:10,593 --> 00:25:15,471 I don't know, I just don't feel much like playing right now. 328 00:25:20,019 --> 00:25:22,729 What do you feel like doing? 329 00:25:23,564 --> 00:25:25,440 I don't know. 330 00:25:27,193 --> 00:25:28,443 I'll think of something. 331 00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:36,659 - Where you going? - To the john. 332 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:38,703 Alone? 333 00:25:39,997 --> 00:25:42,707 I always go alone. Why? 334 00:25:43,751 --> 00:25:45,376 No reason. 335 00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:46,878 You gonna be in there long? 336 00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,049 As long as it takes. 337 00:25:59,225 --> 00:26:00,266 [DOOR CLOSES] 338 00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:02,518 Are you crazy, letting him go to the john alone? 339 00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,854 - Suppose he tries to kill himself? - How? 340 00:26:05,022 --> 00:26:08,233 - What do you mean? Razor blades, poison. - That's the kids' bathroom. 341 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,526 Worst he could do is brush his teeth to death. 342 00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:12,737 - He could jump. - Right. Isn't there a window? 343 00:26:12,905 --> 00:26:14,280 Yeah, it's only 6 inches wide. 344 00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:16,741 He could break the glass. He could cut his wrists. 345 00:26:16,909 --> 00:26:19,744 He could flush himself into the East River. He's not gonna try anything. 346 00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:23,081 Shh, shh. Listen. Listen. 347 00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,127 [FELIX CRYING] 348 00:26:28,295 --> 00:26:30,088 He's crying. 349 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,882 You hear that? He's crying. 350 00:26:35,177 --> 00:26:38,638 Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something. Say something. 351 00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:40,723 What do you say to a man crying in your bathroom? 352 00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:41,933 [LOCK CLICKS] 353 00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:44,394 Shh. He's coming. He's coming. He's coming. 354 00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:46,104 He's coming. 355 00:26:49,692 --> 00:26:51,734 Sit down. Sit down. 356 00:26:59,243 --> 00:27:01,327 [SNIFFS THEN CLEARS THROAT] 357 00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:15,925 Well, I guess I'll just be running along. 358 00:27:16,093 --> 00:27:17,135 [SOBS] 359 00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:19,095 - Oh, Felix. OSCAR: Felix. 360 00:27:19,263 --> 00:27:21,180 - Come here, Felix. - Felix, wait a minute. 361 00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:23,516 I can't to you, fellas. I can't talk to anyone. 362 00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,435 MURRAY: Felix, we're your best friends. 363 00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:28,062 VINNIE: Relax. - Ow! Fellas, please, no! 364 00:27:28,230 --> 00:27:30,231 OSCAR: Talk to us. - There's nothing to talk about. 365 00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:32,567 There's just nothing to say, Oscar. It's over. 366 00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:34,777 - Will you let me go, please? OSCAR: Let him go. 367 00:27:34,945 --> 00:27:36,571 Leave me alone. 368 00:27:36,739 --> 00:27:38,906 MURRAY: Stop him! Stop him! 369 00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:40,742 VINNIE: Come back here! MURRAY: Stop him! 370 00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:43,119 Felix! Get him! 371 00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:45,913 VINNIE: Get him! - Felix! 372 00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:50,043 ROY: Felix! Felix! - Watch out. Watch out. Back off. 373 00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,628 - Back off. SPEED: Let him break the door down. 374 00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:54,505 OSCAR: Break it in. 375 00:27:55,549 --> 00:27:57,592 Felix! He jumped. 376 00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,135 OSCAR: What? - I tell you, he jumped. 377 00:27:59,303 --> 00:28:02,180 FELIX: Ow. My back. 378 00:28:03,057 --> 00:28:06,351 Oh. My back. My back. 379 00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:11,522 My back. 380 00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:14,400 Oh! The back. 381 00:28:14,568 --> 00:28:16,569 [GROANING] 382 00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,369 Will you leave me alone? 383 00:28:24,536 --> 00:28:27,580 - Oh. Ow, my stomach. OSCAR: What's the matter with your stomach? 384 00:28:27,748 --> 00:28:31,334 Nothing's the matter with my stomach. I didn't take anything. Leave me alone. 385 00:28:31,502 --> 00:28:33,920 - What did you take? - Nothing. I didn't take anything. 386 00:28:34,088 --> 00:28:35,463 Don't tell Frances what I did. 387 00:28:35,631 --> 00:28:37,131 - He took pills. MURRAY: How many pills? 388 00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:40,426 - What kind of pills? - Little green ones out of her medicine cabinet. 389 00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,053 - Don't call Frances. VINNIE: I won't. 390 00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:44,305 - When did you take these pills? - You promise? 391 00:28:44,473 --> 00:28:46,474 A couple of hours ago. You won't call her? 392 00:28:46,642 --> 00:28:48,810 VINNIE: I won't call her. - How many pills did you take? 393 00:28:48,977 --> 00:28:50,895 I can't remember. I think a whole bottle. 394 00:28:51,063 --> 00:28:53,564 ROY: A whole bottle? MURRAY: A whole bottle of pills? 395 00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:56,401 - My God, get an ambulance! - We don't even know what kind. 396 00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:57,985 He took a whole bottle. 397 00:28:58,153 --> 00:29:01,614 Maybe they were vitamins. He could be the healthiest one in the room. 398 00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:04,158 Walk him around. Don't let him go to sleep. 399 00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:06,702 - Will you please...? VINNIE: Open his collar. Open the window. 400 00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:09,414 - Watch my back! Ow! - Keep the circulation going. 401 00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:12,375 FELIX: Look, I'm all right. OSCAR: One doctor at a time! 402 00:29:12,543 --> 00:29:15,711 - All the interns shut the hell up! - You didn't call Frances, did you? 403 00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,631 The bathroom, get his head under the cold shower. 404 00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,383 My arm! Watch my arm! 405 00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,635 - Watch my arm! - Easy. 406 00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:25,388 No, please, will you...? Ow! Cut it out! 407 00:29:25,556 --> 00:29:28,349 We gotta get the pills out. 408 00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:32,603 The pills are out. I threw up before. 409 00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:36,858 FELIX: Hmm, hmm. 410 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,573 Twelve years. Twelve years. 411 00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:45,783 Did you know I was married 12 years, Roy? 412 00:29:45,951 --> 00:29:50,538 - Yes, Felix, I knew. - It's over just like that. That's hysterical. 413 00:29:50,706 --> 00:29:53,458 Maybe it was just a fight. You've had fights before, Felix. 414 00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:56,711 No, no, no. It's over. She's getting a lawyer tomorrow. 415 00:29:56,879 --> 00:29:59,297 My cousin. She's using my cousin. 416 00:30:00,424 --> 00:30:01,632 Who am I gonna get? 417 00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:04,635 It's okay, Felix. 418 00:30:06,889 --> 00:30:11,309 All right, all right, let's not stand around looking at him. Let's break it up. Break it up. 419 00:30:11,477 --> 00:30:13,853 Yeah, don't stand there looking at me. I'm ashamed. 420 00:30:14,021 --> 00:30:17,148 Come on, fellas, let's call it a night. He's all right. 421 00:30:24,114 --> 00:30:25,823 It's all right, Felix. We understand. 422 00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:28,284 Don't tell anybody about this. Now, you promise me. 423 00:30:28,452 --> 00:30:29,827 I'm going to Florida tomorrow. 424 00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:32,497 - Oh, that's nice. Have a good time. - Thanks. 425 00:30:32,664 --> 00:30:36,083 We were going to Florida next winter without the kids. Now they're going without me. 426 00:30:36,251 --> 00:30:37,293 [CHUCKLES] 427 00:30:38,921 --> 00:30:41,214 Okay, come on, boys, huh? 428 00:30:41,507 --> 00:30:44,467 ROY and VINNIE: Good night, Oscar. - [WHISPERING] Maybe one of us should stay. 429 00:30:44,635 --> 00:30:47,345 - [WHISPERING] That's okay, Murray. - Suppose he tries something again? 430 00:30:47,513 --> 00:30:50,306 - He won't try anything again. - How do you know? 431 00:30:50,474 --> 00:30:53,643 I'm not gonna try anything again. I'm very tired. 432 00:30:54,436 --> 00:30:57,188 [IN NORMAL VOICE] You hear? He's very tired. He's had a busy night. 433 00:30:57,356 --> 00:31:00,066 - Good night, fellas. SPEED and ROY: Good night. 434 00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:12,328 - If anything happens, Oscar, just call me. - Yeah. 435 00:31:12,496 --> 00:31:15,623 I'm three blocks away. I can be here in five minutes. 436 00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:20,503 If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach. 437 00:31:20,671 --> 00:31:23,881 - You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie. - Good. 438 00:31:27,344 --> 00:31:29,470 - Oscar. - Yeah? 439 00:31:30,639 --> 00:31:33,057 - Are you sure? - I'm sure. 440 00:31:33,225 --> 00:31:35,726 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Good night, Felix. Get a good night's sleep. 441 00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:38,771 I guarantee you things are gonna look a lot brighter in the morning. 442 00:31:38,939 --> 00:31:41,691 [WHISPERS] Take away his belt and his shoelaces. 443 00:31:48,699 --> 00:31:53,452 Oh, Felix, Felix, Felix. 444 00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:57,498 I know, I know, I know. 445 00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,376 I know. 446 00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:04,547 Oscar... 447 00:32:05,716 --> 00:32:07,842 ...what am I gonna do, huh? 448 00:32:08,010 --> 00:32:09,343 We'll talk about it later. 449 00:32:09,511 --> 00:32:12,972 Come on. Get something to eat first. You like some nice hot Ovaltine? 450 00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:16,309 The terrible thing is I still love her, you know? I always loved her. 451 00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:20,813 How about some vanilla wafers or Vienna Fingers or some Mallomars? 452 00:32:20,981 --> 00:32:24,150 You like a nice box of chocolate Mallomars? I got everything in here. 453 00:32:24,318 --> 00:32:25,651 FELIX: We had so much together. 454 00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:28,112 We had two beautiful kids, a beautiful home. 455 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:30,906 Whoever had more beautiful kids or a more beautiful home? 456 00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:33,909 - Nobody. Nobody. - It's 12 years of marriage down the drain. 457 00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:36,329 Drains can be fixed. That's why we have plumbers. 458 00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,372 Get me a pot under the sink, will you? 459 00:32:38,540 --> 00:32:39,582 It's not fair. 460 00:32:40,626 --> 00:32:41,667 Damn it, it's not fa... 461 00:32:41,835 --> 00:32:43,586 [YELPS] 462 00:32:43,754 --> 00:32:45,421 - What's the matter? - My neck. 463 00:32:45,589 --> 00:32:48,007 My neck. I got a nerve spasm in my neck. 464 00:32:48,175 --> 00:32:50,134 Just take it easy. Show me where it hurts. 465 00:32:50,302 --> 00:32:52,970 I can't straighten it out. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. 466 00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:56,974 - I just wanna see where it hurts. - No, no, no. It's tension. I must be tense. 467 00:32:57,142 --> 00:32:58,184 I wouldn't be surprised. 468 00:32:58,352 --> 00:33:00,645 Aah! Ow. Ow. Aah! 469 00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:03,314 Relax, damn it. Relax. 470 00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:05,733 Don't yell at me. Ow. Ow. 471 00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:09,362 - Does that hurt? - Oh. No. It feels good. Unh. 472 00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:11,864 You make the same sounds for pain or happiness. 473 00:33:12,032 --> 00:33:13,491 I know. I know. Heh. 474 00:33:13,659 --> 00:33:17,495 - I think I'm crazy. - If it'll make you feel any better, I think so too. 475 00:33:17,663 --> 00:33:21,874 Doesn't take much. The first sign of anything going wrong, and I fall to pieces like that. 476 00:33:22,042 --> 00:33:23,959 Don't stop. It feels good when you rub. 477 00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:26,837 Listen, if you don't relax, I'm gonna break my fingers. 478 00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:30,800 Look at this, will you? The only man in the world with clenched hair. 479 00:33:30,967 --> 00:33:32,134 Bend over. 480 00:33:32,302 --> 00:33:34,929 - Ah. - Just bend over. Attaboy. 481 00:33:35,097 --> 00:33:36,430 Okay, now hold still. 482 00:33:36,890 --> 00:33:40,935 Now, if this hurts, Felix, tell me, because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 483 00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:43,729 [FELIX GRUNTING] 484 00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:52,655 [FELIX WHEEZING] 485 00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:00,871 What's that noise? 486 00:34:02,833 --> 00:34:06,252 I can't breathe. It must be the dust. Open the window. Get some fresh air. 487 00:34:06,420 --> 00:34:09,130 Oh, no. We're not opening any windows on the 11 th floor. 488 00:34:09,297 --> 00:34:11,882 To get some fresh air, we'll go downstairs for a walk. 489 00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:14,051 [FELIX CONTINUES WHEEZING] 490 00:34:16,138 --> 00:34:18,055 I wish I were like you, Oscar. Strong. 491 00:34:18,223 --> 00:34:22,059 But I'm weak. And I admit it. I'm weak, weak. 492 00:34:22,227 --> 00:34:25,896 You'll outlive today's entire generation. You want a lick? 493 00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:29,066 You don't understand. I'm nothing without my wife and kids. 494 00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:30,526 You don't... I'm nothing. 495 00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:33,571 You're not nothing. You're something. You're a person. 496 00:34:33,739 --> 00:34:36,907 You're flesh and blood and bones and hair and nails and ears. 497 00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:39,744 You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo. You're you. 498 00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:41,954 You walk and talk and cry and complain... 499 00:34:42,122 --> 00:34:45,040 ...and eat little green pills and send suicide telegrams. 500 00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:46,917 No one else does that, Felix. No one. 501 00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:50,671 I'm telling you, you're the only one of its kind in the world. 502 00:34:52,424 --> 00:34:54,300 You've stained me. 503 00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:58,137 Chocolate ice cream stains. That's a stain. 504 00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:01,223 - Ice cream doesn't stain. - Oh, vanilla and coffee don't stain. 505 00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:03,476 Chocolate does. That's a stain. 506 00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,105 OSCAR: Felix, leave that alone, will you? You're gonna get a water stain. 507 00:35:08,273 --> 00:35:11,233 That's not gonna come out. That's a permanent stain. 508 00:35:11,985 --> 00:35:13,235 You ready to order now? 509 00:35:13,403 --> 00:35:15,446 - Oh, hi. - Hey, there's my little pussycat. 510 00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:16,739 Come over here, darling. 511 00:35:16,907 --> 00:35:19,408 For a tip, I'm gonna leave you the key to my apartment. 512 00:35:19,576 --> 00:35:23,829 - Is it informal, or can I bring my husband? - Never mind. I can't wait that long. 513 00:35:23,997 --> 00:35:26,123 How about five quick minutes behind the cash register? 514 00:35:26,291 --> 00:35:27,333 [OSCAR SNORTING] 515 00:35:27,501 --> 00:35:28,667 [WAITRESS SHRIEKS THEN LAUGHS] 516 00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:30,878 If you bite, I can't write. 517 00:35:31,046 --> 00:35:33,923 - What will you have? - A cup of hot tea for me, please. 518 00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:38,552 Cup of hot tea for Diamond Jim Brady. You gonna eat anything? 519 00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:41,430 Let's see. I just had an ice cream. 520 00:35:41,598 --> 00:35:48,479 Give me a corned beef on rye, all fat, and a high-calorie cream soda. 521 00:35:48,939 --> 00:35:51,398 [BABY-TALKS] Isn't she cute? 522 00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:52,650 [OSCAR LAUGHING] 523 00:35:56,530 --> 00:35:58,823 If you don't try, how you gonna find out? 524 00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:01,158 Exactly. It's very easy for you and me, Oscar. 525 00:36:01,326 --> 00:36:04,036 We're men. We're out in the world. We can meet new people. 526 00:36:04,204 --> 00:36:06,038 - What about Frances? - What about Frances? 527 00:36:06,206 --> 00:36:10,584 Divorce is much harder on the woman. She's alone with the kids, stuck in the house. 528 00:36:10,752 --> 00:36:14,421 How's she gonna meet somebody now, at her age, with two kids? And where? 529 00:36:14,589 --> 00:36:16,882 I don't know. Maybe someone will come to the door. 530 00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:21,303 - Felix, can we stop talking about Frances? - What would you like me to do, just forget her? 531 00:36:21,471 --> 00:36:24,223 How do you wipe out 12 years of marriage just like that? 532 00:36:24,391 --> 00:36:26,684 You don't. Those are the facts. You gotta face it. 533 00:36:26,852 --> 00:36:29,854 You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies. 534 00:36:30,313 --> 00:36:31,397 [SHIVERS] 535 00:36:31,565 --> 00:36:34,191 OSCAR: What's the matter? - Too cold. It's the air conditioning. 536 00:36:34,359 --> 00:36:37,528 Why do they always turn those up so high? I'll probably get the flu. 537 00:36:37,696 --> 00:36:41,574 OSCAR: Want me to ask them for a blanket? - You gotta be careful with air conditioning. 538 00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:44,827 Frances and I got one. I never let her turn it on in the summer. 539 00:36:44,995 --> 00:36:46,954 - Oh. She must be crazy about that. FELIX: Come on. 540 00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:50,374 - Where you going? - Come on. Let's move to another table. 541 00:36:54,296 --> 00:36:55,838 [SNORTS] 542 00:36:56,006 --> 00:36:57,715 - Excuse me. - Aha, oh, I knew it. 543 00:36:57,883 --> 00:36:59,884 [FELIX SNORTING AND GRUNTING] 544 00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:03,012 What's the matter now? 545 00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:07,850 Oh. I got this... My ears are filling up. I got this sinus condition. 546 00:37:08,018 --> 00:37:10,769 It's the change in temperature. I always get it from air conditioning. 547 00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:13,188 [FELIX SNORTING AND GRUNTING] 548 00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:16,609 - Maybe it'll go away. FELIX: No. It's all part of my allergies. 549 00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:19,320 - I get them in the summer. - Only in the summer? 550 00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:21,780 In the winter too. I get them all year long. 551 00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:25,784 I'm allergic to foods and pillows and curtains and perfumes. Heh. 552 00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:29,788 Can you imagine that? Allergic to perfumes. That used to drive Frances crazy. 553 00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:33,500 For a while, she couldn't wear anything except my aftershave lotion. 554 00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:36,295 I was impossible to live with. 555 00:37:36,463 --> 00:37:38,464 [FELIX YELLING AND SNORTING] 556 00:37:48,892 --> 00:37:50,726 Stop that, will you? What are you doing? 557 00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:53,020 I'm trying to clear up my ears. Fmah. 558 00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:56,023 You create a pressure inside your head. It opens up the eustachian tubes. 559 00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:58,359 [YELLING AND SNORTING] 560 00:38:10,664 --> 00:38:11,747 [FELIX SIGHS] 561 00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:12,957 Did it open up? 562 00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:14,166 Uh-huh. 563 00:38:14,334 --> 00:38:15,542 I think I strained my throat. 564 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:16,752 [CLEARS THROAT] 565 00:38:17,212 --> 00:38:18,295 [FELIX SNIFFS THEN GRUNTS] 566 00:38:18,463 --> 00:38:20,464 [FELIX CLEARING THROAT] 567 00:38:21,174 --> 00:38:23,592 Felix, will you leave yourself alone? Don't tinker. 568 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,511 I know. 569 00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:28,889 I can't help it. I drive everybody crazy. 570 00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:33,227 A marriage counselor once kicked me out of his office. 571 00:38:33,395 --> 00:38:35,980 Wrote on my chart "lunatic." 572 00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:40,317 It takes two to make a rotten marriage. 573 00:38:42,487 --> 00:38:44,947 You don't know what I was like at home. 574 00:38:46,241 --> 00:38:48,033 I'm a compulsive cleaner. 575 00:38:48,201 --> 00:38:50,619 Always cleaning up after Frances. 576 00:38:50,787 --> 00:38:53,163 Then I'd go into the kitchen and recook her meals... 577 00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:56,875 ...because I'm also a much better cook than she is. 578 00:38:58,211 --> 00:39:01,296 I cooked myself right out of a marriage. 579 00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:03,382 Stupid damned idiot. 580 00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:06,760 Ah. Hey, Felix, don't do that. You'll get a headache. 581 00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:10,180 I can't stand it anymore. It's just... 582 00:39:15,562 --> 00:39:17,062 I hate me. 583 00:39:17,230 --> 00:39:19,982 Oh, boy, do I hate me. 584 00:39:20,150 --> 00:39:22,443 Eh, you don't hate you. You love you. 585 00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:26,530 - You think no one else has problems like you. - I thought you were my friend. 586 00:39:26,698 --> 00:39:30,617 I am. That's why I can talk this way, because I love you almost as much as you do. 587 00:39:30,785 --> 00:39:32,077 Then why don't you help? 588 00:39:32,245 --> 00:39:34,913 Help? How can I help you when I can't even help myself? 589 00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:37,791 You think you're impossible to live with? Heh. 590 00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:40,377 Blanche used to say, "What time do you want dinner?" 591 00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:42,379 I'd say, "I don't know. I'm not hungry." 592 00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:45,549 Then 3:00 in the morning, I'd wake her up and I'd say, "Now." 593 00:39:46,885 --> 00:39:50,679 I've been one of the highest-paid sportswriters in the East for the past 14 years. 594 00:39:50,847 --> 00:39:53,974 We saved $8.50 in pennies. I'm never home. I gamble. 595 00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:59,188 I burn cigar holes in furniture, drink like a fish, lie to her every chance I get. 596 00:39:59,564 --> 00:40:01,982 Then for our 10th wedding anniversary, I took her... 597 00:40:02,150 --> 00:40:06,570 ...to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings hockey game, where she got hit by a puck. 598 00:40:08,740 --> 00:40:13,368 I still can't figure out why she left me. That's how impossible I am. 599 00:40:14,496 --> 00:40:17,289 Come on, let's get out of here. The muggers will be here soon. 600 00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:21,668 I don't think I can take it living alone, Oscar. 601 00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:28,300 In two weeks, I'll go to pieces. How will I work? How will I make a living? 602 00:40:28,468 --> 00:40:32,888 OSCAR: You'll go on street corners and cry. They'll throw nickels at you. You'll work. 603 00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:34,348 Tonight you'll sleep here. 604 00:40:34,516 --> 00:40:37,935 Tomorrow you get your clothes and electric toothbrush and move in with me. 605 00:40:38,103 --> 00:40:39,978 It's your apartment. I'll just be in the way. 606 00:40:40,146 --> 00:40:43,607 Ah, there's eight rooms. We could go for a year without seeing each other. 607 00:40:43,775 --> 00:40:45,067 I want you to move in. 608 00:40:45,235 --> 00:40:48,070 - Why? I'm a pest. - I know. You don't have to keep telling me. 609 00:40:48,238 --> 00:40:51,782 - Why you want me to move in? - Because I can't stand living alone, that's why. 610 00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:55,119 For crying out loud, I'm proposing to you. What do you want, a ring? 611 00:40:57,163 --> 00:40:59,832 Oscar, if you mean it, there's a lot I can do around here. 612 00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:03,627 I'm very handy. I know how to fix things. I fixed my wife's hair dryer. 613 00:41:03,795 --> 00:41:05,796 OSCAR: I don't have a hair dryer. Blanche took it. 614 00:41:05,964 --> 00:41:08,215 FELIX: Well, let me do something. I gotta do something. 615 00:41:08,383 --> 00:41:12,010 OSCAR: You can take my wife's initials off the towels, anything you say. 616 00:41:12,178 --> 00:41:14,388 Come here, you can sleep in here. Brucey's room. 617 00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:17,933 I can cook. You know? I'm a terrific cook. 618 00:41:18,101 --> 00:41:21,103 You don't have to cook. I got enough potato chips to last a year. 619 00:41:21,271 --> 00:41:24,898 Two meals a day at home. We'll save a fortune. We gotta pay alimony, you know. 620 00:41:25,066 --> 00:41:26,400 Okay, Felix, you can cook. 621 00:41:26,568 --> 00:41:27,985 - You like leg of lamb? - Yeah. 622 00:41:28,153 --> 00:41:29,528 I'll make it this weekend. 623 00:41:29,696 --> 00:41:32,698 Oh, I gotta call Frances. She's got my big pot. 624 00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:36,702 Hey, will you forget Frances? We'll get our own pots. 625 00:41:36,870 --> 00:41:39,037 Don't drive me crazy before you move in here, will you? 626 00:41:39,205 --> 00:41:40,414 [PHONE RINGING] 627 00:41:40,582 --> 00:41:43,333 Well, listen, Oscar, uh... 628 00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:47,045 Hey, if I do anything that irritates you or gets on your nerves... 629 00:41:47,213 --> 00:41:49,548 ...don't be afraid to tell me. It's your apartment. 630 00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:51,758 I don't wanna do anything to irritate you. 631 00:41:51,926 --> 00:41:53,468 Hello. Oh, hello, Frances. 632 00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,138 I'm not here. I'm not here. You haven't heard from me. 633 00:41:56,306 --> 00:41:59,975 You don't know where I've been. You didn't see me. I didn't call. I'm not here. 634 00:42:00,143 --> 00:42:01,768 Yes, he's here. 635 00:42:03,563 --> 00:42:05,772 - Yes. - How's she sound? Is she worried? Huh? 636 00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:08,483 What's she saying? Is she crying? 637 00:42:08,651 --> 00:42:11,153 Does she wanna speak to me? I don't wanna talk to her. 638 00:42:11,321 --> 00:42:13,030 No, no, he's gonna stay here with me. 639 00:42:13,198 --> 00:42:16,617 And you can tell her I'm not coming back there, either, because I've had it. 640 00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:19,828 I've taken just as much as she has. I'm human too, you know. 641 00:42:19,996 --> 00:42:22,581 She's not the only one that's suffered in this marriage. 642 00:42:22,749 --> 00:42:25,167 - So tell her that. Go on, tell her. - Yes, he's fine. 643 00:42:25,335 --> 00:42:29,504 Don't tell her I'm fine. You heard how I was carrying on before. I was gonna kill myself. 644 00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:32,007 - Why did you tell her I'm fine? - Yes, I understand. 645 00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:35,010 - Ask her if she wants to speak to me. - You wanna speak to him? 646 00:42:35,178 --> 00:42:37,304 - Give me the phone. - You don't wanna speak to him. 647 00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:40,515 - She doesn't wanna speak to me? - Yes, I understand. Okay, good night, Frances. 648 00:42:40,683 --> 00:42:41,725 Oh... 649 00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:44,978 - She doesn't want to speak to me? - No. 650 00:42:46,147 --> 00:42:47,981 Why did she call? 651 00:42:49,692 --> 00:42:52,694 Wants to know when you're coming over for your clothes. 652 00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:55,364 She wants to have the room repainted. 653 00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:59,368 Listen, Felix, it's almost 1:00. Let's go to bed, huh? 654 00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:01,036 She didn't wanna speak to me. 655 00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:04,915 I'll get you a pair of pajamas. You like stripes, dots or animals? 656 00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:07,751 I wanna kill myself, and she's picking out colors. 657 00:43:08,378 --> 00:43:11,421 How about some slippers? I got some house slippers for you. 658 00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:13,173 I'm glad. 659 00:43:14,342 --> 00:43:16,969 Because she finally made me realize it's over. 660 00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,179 It didn't sink in until just this minute. 661 00:43:19,973 --> 00:43:24,518 - Felix, I want you to go to bed. - My marriage is really over. 662 00:43:25,103 --> 00:43:28,438 Well, it doesn't seem so bad now. I think I can live with this thing. 663 00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:32,776 - Live with it tomorrow. Go to bed tonight. - In a few minutes. I gotta think. 664 00:43:32,944 --> 00:43:34,278 Gotta rearrange my life. 665 00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:37,948 Felix, this is my apartment. I make up the bedtime. 666 00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:40,701 You don't understand. I just wanna be alone for a while. 667 00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:43,829 - You go to bed, I'm gonna clean up. - You don't have to clean up. 668 00:43:43,997 --> 00:43:45,664 I can't sleep with a room like this. 669 00:43:45,832 --> 00:43:49,001 You go to bed. I'll see you in the morning. I'll cook you breakfast. 670 00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:51,003 OSCAR: Listen, Felix, you're not gonna? 671 00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:54,506 You're not gonna do anything big like rolling up rugs, are you? 672 00:43:54,674 --> 00:43:57,092 Heh. No. Ten minutes. That's all I'm gonna be. 673 00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,220 Just 10 minutes. I'm gonna do the dishes and go to bed. 674 00:44:00,388 --> 00:44:02,389 He's gonna do the dishes. 675 00:44:03,725 --> 00:44:05,726 [FELIX HUMMING] 676 00:44:08,104 --> 00:44:09,813 FELIX: Hey, Oscar. 677 00:44:09,981 --> 00:44:11,815 - Yeah? - Oscar... 678 00:44:11,983 --> 00:44:13,275 ...I'm gonna be all right. 679 00:44:13,443 --> 00:44:16,236 It may take a few days. I'm gonna be all right. 680 00:44:16,404 --> 00:44:18,405 - Good. Good. - Yeah. 681 00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:21,575 - Good night, Felix. - Good night, Frances. 682 00:44:29,709 --> 00:44:32,127 OSCAR: Morning, Harry. - Good morning. 683 00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:34,296 Hey, there's my bus. See you tonight, Oscar. 684 00:44:34,464 --> 00:44:36,340 Right, Fel. 685 00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:46,767 Hey, Oscar, what will I make for dinner? 686 00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:54,941 [CROWD CHATTERING] 687 00:44:57,737 --> 00:45:03,200 MAN [OVER PA]: The batter, Number 9, Bill Mazeroski, second base. 688 00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:09,831 UMPIRE: Strike! 689 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,834 Well, that's the ballgame. 690 00:45:13,753 --> 00:45:15,128 It's not over yet. 691 00:45:15,296 --> 00:45:18,215 Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning... 692 00:45:18,383 --> 00:45:20,801 ...you expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead? 693 00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:24,096 What's the matter, you never heard of a triple play? 694 00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:25,555 [PHONE RINGS] 695 00:45:27,016 --> 00:45:28,934 Hello. 696 00:45:29,102 --> 00:45:30,310 Uh-huh. 697 00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:32,354 Phone for you, Madison. 698 00:45:32,522 --> 00:45:34,231 I'll call them back. 699 00:45:34,399 --> 00:45:37,025 He says it's an emergency. 700 00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,989 - Yeah? - Oscar, just called to tell you... 701 00:45:43,157 --> 00:45:45,325 ...don't eat any frankfurters at the ballgame. 702 00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:47,994 I decided to make franks and beans for dinner tonight. 703 00:45:48,955 --> 00:45:50,956 [CROWD CHEERING] 704 00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:57,421 A triple play! The Mets did it! 705 00:45:57,588 --> 00:45:59,798 The greatest fielding play I ever saw! 706 00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:03,593 And you missed it, Oscar! You missed it! 707 00:46:05,638 --> 00:46:09,266 Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind? 708 00:46:09,434 --> 00:46:12,519 Take your frankfurters and! 709 00:46:13,312 --> 00:46:16,606 Oscar? Hey, Oscar? 710 00:46:20,361 --> 00:46:22,362 [SIREN WAILING] 711 00:46:42,175 --> 00:46:43,216 [DOORBELL BUZZING] 712 00:46:49,307 --> 00:46:50,348 I'm sorry I'm late. 713 00:46:50,516 --> 00:46:51,558 - Wipe your feet. - What? 714 00:46:51,726 --> 00:46:54,519 If you know what's good for you, you'd better wipe your feet. 715 00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:57,481 How's the game going? 716 00:47:00,443 --> 00:47:02,694 Hey, what happened to the apartment? 717 00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:05,363 It's been given the Good Housekeeping seal of approval. 718 00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:06,907 Deal the cards. 719 00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:08,116 - Hey, Murray. - Ante. 720 00:47:08,284 --> 00:47:10,076 - Ante up. Whatever it was. - A quarter. 721 00:47:10,244 --> 00:47:12,245 - Everybody in? - It's a quarter. 722 00:47:13,206 --> 00:47:14,539 - What are we playing? - Seven-card. 723 00:47:14,707 --> 00:47:15,957 [FELIX HUMMING] 724 00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:22,172 [VINNIE CHUCKLES] 725 00:47:23,508 --> 00:47:25,634 - A cold glass of beer for Roy. - Thank you. 726 00:47:25,801 --> 00:47:27,260 - Where's your coaster? - My what? 727 00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:30,305 Your coaster. A little round thing that goes under the glass. 728 00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,349 I think I bet it. 729 00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:34,893 Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much. 730 00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:36,895 Always try to use the coasters, fellas. 731 00:47:37,438 --> 00:47:38,813 Scotch, little bit of water. 732 00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:40,941 Scotch and water, and I have my coaster. 733 00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,777 I don't wanna be a pest, but you know what wet glasses do. 734 00:47:43,945 --> 00:47:46,947 - They leave little rings on the table. - Little rings on the table. 735 00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:49,157 And we don't want little rings on the table. 736 00:47:49,325 --> 00:47:52,702 And we have a nice warm sandwich for Vinnie. 737 00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:55,622 Ah, gee, it smells good. What is it? 738 00:47:55,790 --> 00:47:58,041 Bacon, lettuce and tomato on pumpernickel toast. 739 00:47:58,209 --> 00:48:00,210 VINNIE: You mean you just made it? - One, two, three. 740 00:48:00,378 --> 00:48:04,839 - You put in toast and cooked bacon just for me? - Don't like it, he'll make you meat loaf. 741 00:48:05,466 --> 00:48:08,593 You know how I love to... Eat over the dish. I just vacuumed the rug. 742 00:48:08,761 --> 00:48:10,220 - Huh? Huh? VINNIE: Mm. It's good. 743 00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:11,763 Hey, Oscar, what did you want? 744 00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:14,599 Two 3-and-a-half-minute eggs and some petits fours. 745 00:48:14,767 --> 00:48:18,019 Ha, ha. Oh, double gin and tonic, right? Be with you in a minute. 746 00:48:18,187 --> 00:48:20,438 - Who turned off the dehumidifier? MURRAY: The what? 747 00:48:20,606 --> 00:48:23,650 The dehumidifier. Fellas, I asked you. Don't play with this thing. 748 00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:26,778 I'm trying to get some of the grime out of the air. Gee whiz. 749 00:48:27,113 --> 00:48:29,906 Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun. 750 00:48:30,074 --> 00:48:34,494 I can't take it anymore. In the last three hours, we've played four minutes of poker. 751 00:48:34,662 --> 00:48:37,497 I'm not giving up Friday nights to watch cooking and cleaning. 752 00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:41,042 I can't breathe. That lousy machine is sucking everything out of the air. 753 00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:44,879 - This is delicious. Who wants a bite? - I didn't have supper. Is the toast warm? 754 00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:48,341 Perfect. And not too much mayonnaise. It's really a well-made sandwich. 755 00:48:48,509 --> 00:48:49,718 Cut me off a little piece. 756 00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:52,053 Give me your napkin. I don't wanna drop crumbs. 757 00:48:52,221 --> 00:48:54,472 Martha and Gertrude at the Automat. 758 00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:58,685 That thing could kill us. They'll find us in the morning with our tongues on the floor. 759 00:48:58,853 --> 00:49:00,812 Do something. Get him back into the game. 760 00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:04,774 Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinking night a week. 761 00:49:04,942 --> 00:49:08,028 I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day. 762 00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:09,946 Felix, get in here, will you? 763 00:49:10,114 --> 00:49:11,948 FELIX: Coming. 764 00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:15,660 It was better before, with the garbage and the smoke. 765 00:49:15,828 --> 00:49:17,746 - Did you notice what he does? - What? 766 00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:20,665 He cuts off the crusts. That's why the sandwich is so light. 767 00:49:20,833 --> 00:49:23,668 And only uses the soft green part of the lettuce. It's really delicious. 768 00:49:23,836 --> 00:49:26,921 - I'm going out of my mind. - Felix, will you get in here? 769 00:49:27,089 --> 00:49:29,507 - I'm not gonna ask again. - Forget it. I'm going home. 770 00:49:29,675 --> 00:49:32,802 The day his marriage busted up was the end of our poker game. 771 00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:35,305 Speed, you can't run out now. I'm a big loser. 772 00:49:35,473 --> 00:49:38,016 You got no one to blame but yourself. It's your fault. 773 00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:40,602 You're the one who stopped him from killing himself. 774 00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:45,231 He's right. That man is absolutely right. 775 00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:48,443 - You gonna eat that pickle? - I wasn't thinking of it. You want it? 776 00:49:48,611 --> 00:49:51,780 - Unless you want it. It's your pickle. - I don't usually eat pickles. 777 00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:53,907 - Deal the cards. - What did you do that for? 778 00:49:54,075 --> 00:49:57,535 You wanna play poker, deal the cards. You wanna eat, go to a delicatessen. 779 00:49:57,703 --> 00:49:59,746 Keep your pickles and sandwiches to yourself. 780 00:49:59,914 --> 00:50:02,749 I'm losing $53 here, and everybody's getting fat. 781 00:50:02,917 --> 00:50:04,501 - Felix! - What? 782 00:50:04,669 --> 00:50:08,546 Close the stinking restaurant and sit down. We got a poker game going on here. 783 00:50:09,256 --> 00:50:12,717 Is it up to me...? Who threw a pickle on my floor? 784 00:50:12,885 --> 00:50:13,927 I don't think that's funny. 785 00:50:14,095 --> 00:50:15,804 [ROY SNIFFING] 786 00:50:15,971 --> 00:50:19,057 What is that smell? Disinfectant? 787 00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:24,270 It's the cards. He washed the cards. 788 00:50:25,773 --> 00:50:29,776 - I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more. - Wait a minute, Roy. Where you going? 789 00:50:29,944 --> 00:50:33,738 I've been sitting here breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours. 790 00:50:33,906 --> 00:50:37,617 Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that. 791 00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:41,162 Okay, ready to play. 792 00:50:41,330 --> 00:50:44,082 - Good. We got just enough for handball. - Where is everybody? 793 00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:47,669 You got the nerve to ask that question? I just been sterilized out of $53. 794 00:50:47,837 --> 00:50:49,421 Well, I'm sorry. Is it my fault, fellas? 795 00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:52,090 Aw, no. I guess no one feels like playing tonight. 796 00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:54,509 I'd better be going too. Gotta get up early. 797 00:50:54,677 --> 00:50:57,387 - Bebe and I are driving to Asbury Park. - Just the two of you? 798 00:50:57,555 --> 00:50:58,596 VINNIE: Mm-hm. - That's nice. 799 00:50:58,764 --> 00:51:00,473 You always do things like that together? 800 00:51:00,641 --> 00:51:02,726 We have to. I don't know how to drive. 801 00:51:02,893 --> 00:51:06,271 - You coming, Murray? - Yeah. Why not? 802 00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:11,151 I gotta stop off and get Mimi a hero sandwich and a frozen éclair. 803 00:51:11,819 --> 00:51:15,155 Marriage. Heh. Those two playboys sure got the life, huh, Vinnie? 804 00:51:15,322 --> 00:51:17,866 Yeah. Some life those playboys got. 805 00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,034 [BOTH LAUGHING] 806 00:51:23,956 --> 00:51:26,958 Heh. That's funny, isn't it, Oscar? 807 00:51:27,126 --> 00:51:29,294 They think we're happy. 808 00:51:29,462 --> 00:51:31,004 [FELIX CHUCKLES] 809 00:51:31,797 --> 00:51:34,549 They think we're enjoying ourselves. Well, they don't know. 810 00:51:34,717 --> 00:51:37,385 They just don't know what it's like living alone, do they? 811 00:51:37,553 --> 00:51:40,972 I'd be immensely grateful to you, Felix, if you didn't clean up just now. 812 00:51:41,140 --> 00:51:44,100 Just a few things. But playboys, us. 813 00:51:44,268 --> 00:51:46,728 Ha, ha. That's really funny. 814 00:51:46,896 --> 00:51:49,814 I think they actually envy us. Well, they should only know. 815 00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:53,818 Will you leave everything alone, please? I'm not through dirtying up for the night. 816 00:51:53,986 --> 00:51:56,196 Don't you see the irony of it? Huh? 817 00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:57,489 Don't you see the irony? 818 00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:01,534 - Yes, I see it. - I don't think you do. I don't think you see it. 819 00:52:01,702 --> 00:52:06,623 - Felix, I'm telling you, I see the irony of it. - Then tell me, what is it? What's the irony? 820 00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:10,084 The irony is that unless we come to some other arrangement... 821 00:52:10,252 --> 00:52:12,962 ...I'm gonna kill you. That's the irony of it. 822 00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:18,760 - What's wrong, Oscar? - There's something wrong with this system. 823 00:52:18,928 --> 00:52:22,430 I don't think that two single men living alone in a big eight-room apartment... 824 00:52:22,598 --> 00:52:24,724 ...should have a cleaner house than my mother. 825 00:52:24,892 --> 00:52:28,561 Wait. What are you talking about? I didn't say that you have to clean up. 826 00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,564 What you do is worse. You're always hanging up my towels. 827 00:52:31,732 --> 00:52:33,733 You follow me around with an ashtray. 828 00:52:33,901 --> 00:52:38,279 Last night I found you washing the floor and moaning, "Footprints, footprints." 829 00:52:38,447 --> 00:52:39,781 I didn't say they were yours. 830 00:52:39,949 --> 00:52:42,534 Well, they were mine. I have feet, and they make prints. 831 00:52:42,701 --> 00:52:44,661 You want me to climb across the cabinets? 832 00:52:44,829 --> 00:52:47,121 No, I just want you to walk on the floor. 833 00:52:47,289 --> 00:52:49,415 Oh. Well, I appreciate that. I really do. 834 00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:53,711 All I'm trying to do is keep this place livable. I didn't know I irritated you that much. 835 00:52:53,879 --> 00:52:55,171 Leave my pictures alone. 836 00:52:55,339 --> 00:52:56,923 I was just trying to even them up. 837 00:52:57,091 --> 00:52:59,926 I want them uneven. They're my pictures. 838 00:53:00,094 --> 00:53:01,886 Even up your own pictures. 839 00:53:02,054 --> 00:53:05,348 Oh. Heh, heh. I was wondering how long it would take. 840 00:53:05,516 --> 00:53:07,517 How long what would take? 841 00:53:08,561 --> 00:53:09,894 Before I got on your nerves. 842 00:53:11,313 --> 00:53:14,399 I didn't say you got on my nerves. Please don't do that. 843 00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:18,570 - Same thing. You said I irritated you. - No, you said you irritated me. I didn't say it. 844 00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:21,489 - What did you say? - I don't remember. What's the difference? 845 00:53:21,657 --> 00:53:25,076 Doesn't make any difference. I was just repeating what I thought you said. 846 00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:27,912 Don't repeat what you thought I said. Repeat what I said. 847 00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:29,664 My God, that's irritating. 848 00:53:29,832 --> 00:53:31,749 You see? You did say it. 849 00:53:31,917 --> 00:53:34,627 I don't believe this whole conversation. 850 00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:38,840 Oscar, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. 851 00:53:39,008 --> 00:53:41,634 Don't pout. You wanna fight, we'll fight, but don't pout. 852 00:53:41,802 --> 00:53:43,386 Fighting, I win. Pouting, you win. 853 00:53:44,096 --> 00:53:45,680 You're right. You're right. 854 00:53:45,848 --> 00:53:47,765 Everything you say about me is right. 855 00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:51,144 Don't give in so easily. I'm not always right. Sometimes you're right. 856 00:53:51,312 --> 00:53:53,646 You're right. I do that. I always figure I'm wrong. 857 00:53:53,814 --> 00:53:56,441 - This time, you are wrong and I'm right. - Leave me alone. 858 00:53:56,609 --> 00:54:01,696 - And don't sulk. That's the same as pouting. - I know, I know. 859 00:54:01,864 --> 00:54:03,489 Oh, damn me. 860 00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:08,369 Why can't I do just one lousy thing right? 861 00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:13,791 Why didn't you throw it? 862 00:54:13,959 --> 00:54:16,336 I almost did. Sometimes I get so insane with myself. 863 00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:18,880 - Then why didn't you? - I'm trying to control myself. 864 00:54:19,048 --> 00:54:21,758 - Why are you trying to control yourself? - What do you mean? 865 00:54:21,926 --> 00:54:24,886 You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup. Why didn't you? 866 00:54:25,054 --> 00:54:27,680 Because I would still be angry and I'd have a broken cup. 867 00:54:27,848 --> 00:54:30,224 How do you know how you'd feel? Maybe you'd feel wonderful. 868 00:54:30,392 --> 00:54:33,519 Huh? Why do you have to control every thought that comes into your head? 869 00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:34,812 Why don't you let loose? 870 00:54:34,980 --> 00:54:38,733 Do something that you feel like doing, not what you think you're supposed to do. 871 00:54:38,901 --> 00:54:40,985 Stop controlling yourself, Felix. 872 00:54:41,153 --> 00:54:43,237 Relax. Get drunk. Get angry. 873 00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:46,658 Come on! Break the lousy cup! 874 00:54:47,493 --> 00:54:49,744 Ow! I hurt my arm. 875 00:54:50,371 --> 00:54:53,456 You're hopeless. You're a hopeless mental case. 876 00:54:53,624 --> 00:54:56,292 I shouldn't throw with that arm. I've got bursitis. 877 00:54:57,461 --> 00:54:58,920 Why don't you live in a closet? 878 00:54:59,088 --> 00:55:02,256 I'll leave your meals outside the door and slide in the newspapers. 879 00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:05,593 Oh, cut it out. I hurt easily. That's the way I am. I can't help it. 880 00:55:06,053 --> 00:55:07,428 You're not gonna cry, are you? 881 00:55:07,596 --> 00:55:11,557 I think all those tears dripping on your arm is what gave you bursitis. 882 00:55:17,439 --> 00:55:19,399 Let me tell you something, Oscar. 883 00:55:19,566 --> 00:55:22,527 I may not be the easiest person in the world to live with... 884 00:55:22,695 --> 00:55:26,030 ...but you could've done a lot worse. A whole lot worse. 885 00:55:27,908 --> 00:55:29,367 How? 886 00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,536 I put order in this house. 887 00:55:31,704 --> 00:55:34,080 For the first time in months, you're saving money. 888 00:55:34,248 --> 00:55:37,625 You're sleeping on clean sheets, you're eating hot meals for a change... 889 00:55:37,793 --> 00:55:39,293 ...and I did that. 890 00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:41,379 Yes, that's right. 891 00:55:41,547 --> 00:55:46,551 Then at night, after we've had your halibut steak in your tartare sauce... 892 00:55:46,719 --> 00:55:50,972 ...I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran-wrap the leftovers. 893 00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:53,266 Felix, when are you and I gonna have some fun? 894 00:55:53,434 --> 00:55:55,476 A little relaxation? Get out of the house? 895 00:55:55,644 --> 00:55:58,813 What are you talking about? We have fun. Eat over the plate. 896 00:55:58,981 --> 00:56:03,526 Fun? Listen, getting a clear picture on channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee. 897 00:56:04,153 --> 00:56:07,488 We don't always watch TV. Sometimes we read. Sometimes we talk. 898 00:56:07,656 --> 00:56:10,491 No, no, no. I read, and you talk. I try to work, and you talk. 899 00:56:10,659 --> 00:56:12,160 I go to sleep, and you talk. 900 00:56:12,327 --> 00:56:15,788 We got your life arranged pretty good, but I'm still looking for entertainment. 901 00:56:15,956 --> 00:56:18,916 - What are you saying, I talk too much? - No, I'm not complaining. 902 00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:21,002 You got a lot to say. 903 00:56:21,336 --> 00:56:24,630 What's worrying me is I'm beginning to listen. 904 00:56:26,258 --> 00:56:29,677 - You're not gonna hear another peep. - You're gonna give me a haircut, are you? 905 00:56:29,845 --> 00:56:33,181 I'm gonna cut up some cabbage and greens and make coleslaw for tomorrow. 906 00:56:33,348 --> 00:56:36,017 I don't want any coleslaw. I just wanna have some fun tonight. 907 00:56:36,185 --> 00:56:38,352 - I thought you liked my coleslaw. - I love your coleslaw. 908 00:56:38,520 --> 00:56:40,646 - Uh-huh. - I swear, I love your coleslaw. 909 00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,858 I'll take your coleslaw with me to work tomorrow, but not tonight. 910 00:56:44,026 --> 00:56:46,527 - Let's go out of the house. - All right, let's go. 911 00:56:46,695 --> 00:56:48,863 I only make it for you. I don't like coleslaw. 912 00:56:49,031 --> 00:56:51,199 If you wanted to get out, why didn't you say so? 913 00:56:51,366 --> 00:56:54,368 You think I like working and slaving in the kitchen all day long? 914 00:56:58,582 --> 00:56:59,791 Strike. Ow. 915 00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:03,127 How about that? Oscar, you're right. When you're right, you're right. 916 00:57:03,295 --> 00:57:05,338 A person has to get out of the house once in a while. 917 00:57:05,506 --> 00:57:06,547 [WOMEN LAUGH] 918 00:57:06,715 --> 00:57:10,968 Hmm? Ah, oh, yes, bowling. Bowling is wonderful exercise, Felix. 919 00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:15,223 But that's not the kind of relaxation I had in mind. 920 00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:18,309 - I mean, the night was made for other things. FELIX: Like what? 921 00:57:18,727 --> 00:57:23,439 Like unless I get to touch something soft in the next two weeks, I'm in big trouble. 922 00:57:23,607 --> 00:57:25,441 Oh, you mean women? 923 00:57:25,609 --> 00:57:28,152 If you wanna give it a name, all right, women. 924 00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:32,115 - Funny. I haven't thought of women in weeks. - I fail to see the humor. 925 00:57:32,282 --> 00:57:33,658 [WOMEN SHRIEKING] 926 00:57:33,826 --> 00:57:38,746 All I'm saying is, why don't we spend one night talking to someone with higher voices than us? 927 00:57:38,914 --> 00:57:41,958 - You mean, uh...? - That's what I mean. 928 00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:46,712 - I can't. - Why not? 929 00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:48,631 I'm just not ready for it yet. 930 00:57:48,799 --> 00:57:51,717 I don't wanna discuss it, all right? Let's bowl. 931 00:57:56,890 --> 00:57:57,932 [FELIX SIGHS] 932 00:57:58,100 --> 00:58:00,768 I intend to go out. I get as lonely as the next fella... 933 00:58:00,936 --> 00:58:03,437 ...but I've only been separated for a couple of weeks. 934 00:58:03,605 --> 00:58:05,940 - Give me a little time. - There isn't any time left. 935 00:58:06,108 --> 00:58:08,776 I saw TV Guide, and there's nothing on this week. 936 00:58:08,944 --> 00:58:10,736 Twelve in the corner. 937 00:58:11,029 --> 00:58:12,989 What am I asking you, for crying out loud? 938 00:58:13,157 --> 00:58:15,992 All I wanna do is have dinner and laughs with a couple girls. 939 00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,661 Can't you go out yourself? Why do you have to have me? 940 00:58:18,829 --> 00:58:20,663 I may wanna come back to the apartment. 941 00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:24,542 If we walk in and find you washing the windows, it puts a damper on things. 942 00:58:24,710 --> 00:58:28,379 - I'll take a pill and go to sleep. - Why take a pill when you can take a girl? 943 00:58:28,547 --> 00:58:31,257 It'd make me feel guilty. I'm sorry, but that's why. 944 00:58:31,425 --> 00:58:33,843 If it doesn't make sense to you, it's the way I feel. 945 00:58:34,011 --> 00:58:35,052 Go ahead and shoot. 946 00:58:43,687 --> 00:58:46,147 Who would I call? I don't even know any single girls. 947 00:58:46,315 --> 00:58:49,358 Leave that to me. Two sisters live in our building, English girls. 948 00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:52,695 One is a widow, the other is a divorcée. They're a barrel of laughs. 949 00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:53,905 How do you know? 950 00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:58,075 I was trapped in the elevator with them last week. Please, Felix. Please just say yes. 951 00:58:58,243 --> 00:59:00,411 I can call them now. Please say yes for my sake. 952 00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:01,954 If it means that much to you... 953 00:59:02,122 --> 00:59:04,415 Attababy. That's the Felix I've been waiting for. 954 00:59:04,583 --> 00:59:07,877 - Wait. What do they look like? - Don't worry, yours is very pretty. 955 00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:11,297 [CROWD CHATTERING] 956 00:59:13,842 --> 00:59:15,176 Excuse me. 957 00:59:15,344 --> 00:59:17,053 We're all set, 7:30 tomorrow night. 958 00:59:17,221 --> 00:59:19,222 - Which one do I get? - The divorcée. 959 00:59:19,389 --> 00:59:21,766 - Why do I get the divorcée? - You want the widow? 960 00:59:21,934 --> 00:59:25,353 I don't want the widow. I don't want the divorcée. I'm doing this for you. 961 00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:28,773 Take whoever you want. When they walk in, point to your choice. 962 00:59:28,941 --> 00:59:30,274 I just wanna get some laughs. 963 00:59:30,442 --> 00:59:33,819 What are they, old? I mean, you know, how? Thirty? Thirty-five? Older? 964 00:59:33,987 --> 00:59:36,155 What's the matter with you? They're young kids. 965 00:59:36,323 --> 00:59:38,783 Where'd you say you met them? Did they wanna meet me? 966 00:59:39,660 --> 00:59:41,994 Don't forget and suddenly call one of them Frances. 967 00:59:42,162 --> 00:59:44,080 It's Gwendolyn and Cecily. 968 00:59:44,248 --> 00:59:47,959 No Frances. Gwendolyn and Cecily. 969 00:59:51,505 --> 00:59:56,050 [SINGING] Rule, Britannia Britannia, rule the waves 970 00:59:57,386 --> 00:59:59,428 Supposing my kids see me? 971 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,723 I'm going to nightclubs with foreign girls. I got two American kids to support. 972 01:00:02,891 --> 01:00:03,933 [SIGHS] 973 01:00:09,273 --> 01:00:11,065 - Where are we gonna have dinner? - What? 974 01:00:11,233 --> 01:00:12,692 Where are we gonna have dinner? 975 01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:16,028 Anywhe... Anywhere you say. Chinese, Italian... 976 01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:18,823 You mean a restaurant? It will cost a fortune. 977 01:00:18,991 --> 01:00:21,742 We'll cut down on laundry. We don't wear socks on Thursdays. 978 01:00:21,910 --> 01:00:24,370 - We can't afford restaurants. We'll eat here. - Here? 979 01:00:24,538 --> 01:00:26,372 I'm gonna cook. We'll save 30, 40 dollars. 980 01:00:26,540 --> 01:00:29,834 What kind of a double date is that? You'll be in the kitchen all night. 981 01:00:30,002 --> 01:00:32,169 No, I won't. I put it up in the afternoon. 982 01:00:32,337 --> 01:00:35,089 Once I get my potatoes in, I got all the time in the world. 983 01:00:35,257 --> 01:00:37,091 What happened to the whole new Felix? 984 01:00:37,259 --> 01:00:38,342 Who are you calling? 985 01:00:38,510 --> 01:00:40,970 Frances. I wanna get her recipe for meat loaf. 986 01:00:41,138 --> 01:00:43,264 The girls will be crazy about it. 987 01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:05,786 - I'd like fresh ground. - That's fresh. 988 01:01:05,954 --> 01:01:08,748 That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh. 989 01:01:08,915 --> 01:01:11,959 - How much? - Four pounds exactly. 990 01:01:17,382 --> 01:01:19,759 Is that one ripe? 991 01:01:21,386 --> 01:01:23,012 Not for tonight. Couple of days. 992 01:01:23,180 --> 01:01:24,722 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 993 01:01:29,644 --> 01:01:31,479 [HUMMING] 994 01:01:32,189 --> 01:01:34,357 OSCAR: Hey. Beautiful. 995 01:01:35,150 --> 01:01:36,192 Beautiful. 996 01:01:36,360 --> 01:01:37,985 [CHUCKLES] 997 01:01:44,951 --> 01:01:47,787 I'm home, dear. 998 01:01:55,587 --> 01:01:59,840 Mm. Something wonderful is going on in that kitchen. 999 01:02:00,008 --> 01:02:01,050 [CHUCKLES] 1000 01:02:01,218 --> 01:02:04,887 No, sir, no doubt about it, I am the luckiest man on earth. 1001 01:02:05,055 --> 01:02:10,184 Felix? Felix. Felix, listen. I got the wine. Bâtard-Montrachet, six and a quarter. 1002 01:02:10,352 --> 01:02:12,853 You don't mind, do you, pussycat? We can walk to work this week. 1003 01:02:13,021 --> 01:02:14,063 [OSCAR CHUCKLES] 1004 01:02:14,231 --> 01:02:15,981 No kidding, Felix. You did a great job. 1005 01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:19,360 One little suggestion. Let's come down a little bit with the lights... 1006 01:02:19,528 --> 01:02:22,530 ...and up very softly with the music, huh? 1007 01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:25,658 Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meat loaf? 1008 01:02:25,826 --> 01:02:27,493 [CHUCKLES] 1009 01:02:28,620 --> 01:02:29,662 Huh? 1010 01:02:30,455 --> 01:02:34,208 What's the matter, Felix? Something's wrong. I can tell from your conversation. 1011 01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:37,711 All right, Felix. What is it? What is it? 1012 01:02:38,213 --> 01:02:39,713 What is it? 1013 01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:42,466 Let's start with what time you think it is. 1014 01:02:42,634 --> 01:02:44,885 What time? I don't know, 7:30? 1015 01:02:45,303 --> 01:02:46,679 Seven-thirty? Try 8:00. 1016 01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:48,806 All right, so it's 8:00. So? 1017 01:02:49,433 --> 01:02:52,101 - So you said you'd be home at 7. - Is that what I said? 1018 01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:54,437 "I'll be home at 7" is what you said. 1019 01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:58,065 So I said I'd be home at 7 and it's 8. So, what's the problem? 1020 01:02:58,483 --> 01:03:01,944 So if you knew you were gonna be late, why didn't you call me? 1021 01:03:03,447 --> 01:03:04,864 Huh? 1022 01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:08,242 - I couldn't call you. I was busy. - Too busy to phone? Where were you? 1023 01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:10,202 - I was in the office. - In the office? 1024 01:03:10,370 --> 01:03:13,205 - Yes, working. - I called your office at 7:00. You were gone. 1025 01:03:13,373 --> 01:03:15,833 It took me an hour to get home. I couldn't get a cab. 1026 01:03:16,001 --> 01:03:18,836 Since when do they have cabs in Hannigan's Bar? 1027 01:03:19,004 --> 01:03:20,045 Hey, wait a minute. 1028 01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:23,674 I wanna get this down on a tape recorder because nobody's gonna believe me. 1029 01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:26,469 Now I gotta call you if I'm coming home late for dinner? 1030 01:03:26,636 --> 01:03:27,887 Not any dinner... 1031 01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:31,599 ...just the ones that I've been slaving over since 5:00 this afternoon... 1032 01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:34,810 ...to help save you money to pay your wife's alimony. 1033 01:03:36,021 --> 01:03:39,440 Felix, this is no time to have a domestic quarrel. 1034 01:03:39,608 --> 01:03:43,652 We got two girls coming down here any minute. 1035 01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:45,863 You mean you told them to be here at 8:00? 1036 01:03:46,031 --> 01:03:49,742 I don't remember what I said, 7:30, 8:00. What the hell difference does it make? 1037 01:03:49,910 --> 01:03:53,787 I'll tell you what difference it makes. You told me they were gonna be here at 7:30. 1038 01:03:53,955 --> 01:03:56,874 You were gonna be here at 7:00, help me with the hors d'oeuvres... 1039 01:03:57,042 --> 01:03:59,460 ...then at 7:30 they get here and we have cocktails. 1040 01:03:59,628 --> 01:04:01,086 At 8:00 we're gonna eat dinner. 1041 01:04:01,254 --> 01:04:04,423 Well, it's now 8:00, and my dinner's finished. The meat loaf is done. 1042 01:04:04,591 --> 01:04:08,260 Now if we don't eat within 15 seconds, the whole damn thing will be dried out! 1043 01:04:09,054 --> 01:04:10,095 God help me. 1044 01:04:10,514 --> 01:04:13,015 Never mind helping you. Tell him to save my meat loaf. 1045 01:04:17,229 --> 01:04:18,437 Can't you keep it warm? 1046 01:04:18,605 --> 01:04:22,441 What do you think I am, the magic chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at 8:00... 1047 01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:26,987 - What am I gonna do? - I don't know. Keep pouring gravy on it. 1048 01:04:27,155 --> 01:04:28,948 - What gravy? - Don't you have any gravy? 1049 01:04:29,115 --> 01:04:30,741 Where am I gonna get gravy at 8:00? 1050 01:04:30,909 --> 01:04:33,619 I don't know. I thought it comes when you cook the meat. 1051 01:04:33,787 --> 01:04:35,454 "Comes when you cook the..." 1052 01:04:35,622 --> 01:04:37,748 You don't know what you're talking about. 1053 01:04:37,916 --> 01:04:41,043 You just don't know. You've gotta make gravy. It doesn't come. 1054 01:04:41,211 --> 01:04:42,670 Well, you asked my advice, so... 1055 01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:46,590 Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was till I showed it to you! 1056 01:04:46,758 --> 01:04:49,134 You wanna talk to me, buddy, put down that spoon. 1057 01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,554 Spoon! Heh. You dumb ignoramus! 1058 01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,222 That is a ladle! 1059 01:04:53,390 --> 01:04:55,891 You did not know that's a ladle! 1060 01:04:56,059 --> 01:04:58,852 - Get ahold of yourself. - You think it's so easy? Go ahead. 1061 01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:00,479 The kitchen's yours, all yours. 1062 01:05:00,647 --> 01:05:03,649 You go make a meat loaf for four people that come a half hour late. Go on. 1063 01:05:03,817 --> 01:05:05,609 Listen to me. I'm arguing with him over gravy. 1064 01:05:05,777 --> 01:05:06,819 [DOORBELL BUZZES] 1065 01:05:06,987 --> 01:05:08,571 They're here, the dinner guests. 1066 01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:12,658 I'll get a saw and cut the meat. Listen, I wanna tell you something. 1067 01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:14,952 I'm not gonna take the blame for this dinner. 1068 01:05:15,120 --> 01:05:16,912 Who even cares about the dinner? 1069 01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:19,498 I care! I take pride in what I do. 1070 01:05:19,666 --> 01:05:21,792 You're gonna explain to them what happened. 1071 01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:24,378 Okay. You can take a picture of me coming in at 8:00. 1072 01:05:24,546 --> 01:05:27,298 Now take off that stupid apron because I'm opening the door. 1073 01:05:27,465 --> 01:05:31,135 I wanna get one thing straight. This is the last time I cook anything for you. 1074 01:05:31,303 --> 01:05:35,222 People like you don't appreciate a decent meal, and that's why they have TV dinners. 1075 01:05:35,390 --> 01:05:37,057 - Are you through? - Yeah, I'm through. 1076 01:05:37,225 --> 01:05:39,059 Then smile. 1077 01:05:41,354 --> 01:05:42,730 Hi there. Ha, ha. 1078 01:05:42,897 --> 01:05:43,981 - Hello. - Hello. 1079 01:05:44,149 --> 01:05:47,276 - I do hope we're not late. OSCAR: No, not at all. You timed it perfectly. 1080 01:05:47,444 --> 01:05:49,403 Perfectly. Come on in. Ha, ha. 1081 01:05:49,571 --> 01:05:51,822 Oh, isn't this lovely? 1082 01:05:51,990 --> 01:05:54,408 Thank you. Thank you very much. 1083 01:05:54,576 --> 01:05:57,369 Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. 1084 01:05:57,537 --> 01:06:00,497 [OSCAR and WOMEN CHUCKLE] 1085 01:06:00,665 --> 01:06:01,915 Gwendolyn and Cecily. 1086 01:06:02,083 --> 01:06:03,626 No, Cecily and Gwendolyn. 1087 01:06:03,793 --> 01:06:06,545 Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Cecily and Gwendolyn. 1088 01:06:06,713 --> 01:06:09,131 - Don't tell me. Uh, Robin? No. - No. 1089 01:06:09,299 --> 01:06:11,508 - Cardinal? - No, wrong both times. It's Pigeon. 1090 01:06:11,676 --> 01:06:13,927 - Pigeon. Yes. Ha, ha. - Yes. Ha, ha. 1091 01:06:14,095 --> 01:06:15,846 Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon. 1092 01:06:16,014 --> 01:06:17,848 Ha, ha. The Pigeon sisters. 1093 01:06:19,017 --> 01:06:22,311 Or as our friends in Chelsea used to call us, the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters. 1094 01:06:22,479 --> 01:06:24,355 [ALL LAUGH] 1095 01:06:24,564 --> 01:06:25,981 GWENDOLYN: Silly. OSCAR: I like that. 1096 01:06:26,149 --> 01:06:28,067 GWENDOLYN: Thank you. 1097 01:06:28,234 --> 01:06:32,488 Girls, I'd like you to meet my roommate and our chef for the evening, Mr. Felix Ungar. 1098 01:06:32,656 --> 01:06:36,784 - How do you do? FELIX: How do you do? 1099 01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,538 Well, we did that beautifully. 1100 01:06:41,706 --> 01:06:42,748 [ALL CHUCKLE] 1101 01:06:42,916 --> 01:06:44,708 Shall we sit down, make ourselves comfortable? 1102 01:06:44,876 --> 01:06:48,337 - Yes, I'd love to. Oh, this is so nice. - Wonderful. 1103 01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:50,172 Perfume. 1104 01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:52,633 Look. Shall I sit here? 1105 01:06:52,801 --> 01:06:55,302 - Sure, sure. Anyplace you like. - I'll sit next to you. 1106 01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:56,720 Don't sit on the hors d'oeuvres. 1107 01:06:56,888 --> 01:06:58,931 [OSCAR and WOMEN LAUGH] 1108 01:06:59,099 --> 01:07:00,641 Oh. 1109 01:07:00,809 --> 01:07:02,059 [OSCAR and WOMEN CHUCKLE] 1110 01:07:02,227 --> 01:07:04,937 Well... Oh. 1111 01:07:05,105 --> 01:07:07,648 [CECILY and GWENDOLYN CHUCKLING] 1112 01:07:09,526 --> 01:07:13,445 - Well, this is ever so nice, isn't it, Gwen? - Yes. Yes, it is. Yes. 1113 01:07:13,613 --> 01:07:16,198 And it's so much neater than our flat. Do you have help? 1114 01:07:16,741 --> 01:07:19,660 - Yes, I have a man who comes in every night. CECILY: Oh. 1115 01:07:19,828 --> 01:07:21,995 - Oh. - Oh, ha, ha. Well, aren't you the lucky one? 1116 01:07:22,163 --> 01:07:24,164 [BOTH CHUCKLING] 1117 01:07:28,378 --> 01:07:29,962 [OSCAR CHUCKLES] 1118 01:07:30,130 --> 01:07:33,882 - Boy, this is really nice. GWENDOLYN: Yes. 1119 01:07:34,050 --> 01:07:36,885 You know, I was telling Felix only yesterday how we happened to meet. 1120 01:07:37,053 --> 01:07:39,680 CECILY: Oh. GWENDOLYN: Oh. Who's Felix? 1121 01:07:39,848 --> 01:07:41,807 - He is. - Oh, yes, of course. 1122 01:07:41,975 --> 01:07:43,642 I'm sorry. 1123 01:07:44,102 --> 01:07:46,603 - It happened to us again this morning. OSCAR: What did? 1124 01:07:46,771 --> 01:07:49,481 - Stuck in the lift again. OSCAR: No kidding. Just the two of you? 1125 01:07:49,649 --> 01:07:53,360 And poor Mr. Kessler from the third floor. We were in there nearly half an hour. 1126 01:07:53,528 --> 01:07:54,737 - Is that right? CECILY: Mm. 1127 01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:56,155 Well, what happened? 1128 01:07:56,322 --> 01:07:58,031 - Oh, nothing much, I'm afraid. - Ha, ha. 1129 01:07:58,199 --> 01:07:59,616 Oh, honestly. 1130 01:07:59,784 --> 01:08:01,201 Oh, Gwen. 1131 01:08:01,411 --> 01:08:02,995 [OSCAR and WOMEN LAUGHING] 1132 01:08:03,163 --> 01:08:04,496 [FELIX CHUCKLES] 1133 01:08:08,918 --> 01:08:11,545 - You're terrible. - I know. 1134 01:08:15,717 --> 01:08:17,718 - Boy, this is really nice. CECILY and GWENDOLYN: Yes. 1135 01:08:19,012 --> 01:08:21,305 - And ever so much cooler than our place. - Oh, yes. 1136 01:08:21,473 --> 01:08:22,514 - Cooler? - Yes. 1137 01:08:22,682 --> 01:08:25,392 Oh, it's like equatorial Africa on our side of the building. 1138 01:08:25,560 --> 01:08:29,563 Well, last night it was so bad, Gwen and I sat there in nature's own... 1139 01:08:29,731 --> 01:08:33,525 ...cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge. Can you imagine such a thing? 1140 01:08:33,693 --> 01:08:36,445 - Well, I'm working on it. Ha, ha. CECILY: Honestly. Ha-ha-ha. 1141 01:08:36,613 --> 01:08:38,864 - Honestly. Ha, ha. - Ha-ha-ha. 1142 01:08:39,032 --> 01:08:42,284 Well, no. No, actually, it's impossible to get a night's sleep. 1143 01:08:42,452 --> 01:08:44,411 Cece and I don't know what to do about it. 1144 01:08:44,579 --> 01:08:47,664 - Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner? - We haven't got one. 1145 01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:50,709 - I know, but we have. Ha-ha-ha. GWENDOLYN: Oh, you. 1146 01:08:50,877 --> 01:08:54,171 Ooh, I told about that one, didn't I? 1147 01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:56,381 [OSCAR and WOMEN LAUGHING] 1148 01:09:01,846 --> 01:09:03,222 [FELIX CHUCKLES] 1149 01:09:11,940 --> 01:09:14,566 Yeah, they say it may rain Friday. 1150 01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:16,401 CECILY: Oh? 1151 01:09:19,155 --> 01:09:21,323 Well, that should cool things off a bit. 1152 01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:24,493 Yes, I wouldn't be surprised. 1153 01:09:24,661 --> 01:09:28,997 - Though, sometimes it gets hotter after it rains. - Yes, it does, doesn't it? 1154 01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:31,667 - Yes. Sometimes it gets a little hotter. CECILY: Yes, it can do. 1155 01:09:31,835 --> 01:09:33,043 - Mm-hm, mm-hm. GWENDOLYN: Mm-hm. 1156 01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:36,088 CECILY: Um... 1157 01:09:36,256 --> 01:09:37,631 - Dinner's served. - No, it isn't. 1158 01:09:37,799 --> 01:09:39,925 - Yes, it is. - I'm sure the girls would like... 1159 01:09:40,093 --> 01:09:41,760 ...to have a cocktail first, wouldn't you? 1160 01:09:41,928 --> 01:09:45,597 - Ooh. Well, I wouldn't put up a struggle. - There you are. What would you like? 1161 01:09:45,765 --> 01:09:47,933 I don't really know. What have you got? 1162 01:09:48,101 --> 01:09:49,726 - Meat loaf. - Oh. 1163 01:09:49,894 --> 01:09:51,353 She means to drink. 1164 01:09:51,521 --> 01:09:54,439 We have everything, and what we don't have, I mix in the medicine cabinet. 1165 01:09:54,607 --> 01:09:56,608 [OSCAR and WOMEN LAUGHING] 1166 01:09:57,902 --> 01:10:00,946 - What will it be? - Oh. Um... 1167 01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:04,283 - A double vodka. - Oh, darling, please. Not before dinner. Please. 1168 01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:08,829 Oh, my sister, honestly, she watches over me like a mother hen. Ha, ha. 1169 01:10:08,997 --> 01:10:11,415 - Make it a small double vodka. - Ha, ha. 1170 01:10:11,583 --> 01:10:14,626 Small double vodka. And for the beautiful mother hen? 1171 01:10:15,253 --> 01:10:18,922 Ooh. Um... Ooh. Um... 1172 01:10:19,090 --> 01:10:22,968 Well, I think I'd like something cool. Um... 1173 01:10:23,136 --> 01:10:28,140 What...? I know. I would like a double Drambuie with crushed ice. 1174 01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:30,934 Unless, of course, you haven't got the crushed ice. 1175 01:10:31,102 --> 01:10:33,645 I was up all night with a sledgehammer. 1176 01:10:33,813 --> 01:10:35,647 I shall return. 1177 01:10:35,815 --> 01:10:38,358 Uh, excuse... Oscar? 1178 01:10:38,526 --> 01:10:40,485 - Where you going? - To get the refreshments. 1179 01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:44,406 - Inside? What am I gonna do? - You can finish the weather report. 1180 01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:47,576 FELIX: Don't forget to look at my meat loaf. 1181 01:11:02,634 --> 01:11:04,343 Well... 1182 01:11:18,149 --> 01:11:19,942 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1183 01:11:26,115 --> 01:11:27,699 Oscar tells me you're sisters. 1184 01:11:27,867 --> 01:11:29,159 [CECILY and GWENDOLYN CHUCKLE] 1185 01:11:29,327 --> 01:11:30,911 - Yes, that's right. - From England. 1186 01:11:31,079 --> 01:11:33,246 Yes, yes, that's right. 1187 01:11:33,998 --> 01:11:35,582 I see. 1188 01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:36,917 We're not brothers. 1189 01:11:37,085 --> 01:11:38,877 [ALL LAUGH] 1190 01:11:39,045 --> 01:11:40,545 Yes, we know. 1191 01:11:40,713 --> 01:11:42,547 Yes. 1192 01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:45,509 - Although I am a brother. - Oh? 1193 01:11:45,677 --> 01:11:47,636 Oh, yeah. I have a brother. He's a doctor. 1194 01:11:47,804 --> 01:11:50,013 Lives in Buffalo. That's upstate New York. 1195 01:11:50,181 --> 01:11:52,307 - Yes. We know. - You know my brother? 1196 01:11:52,475 --> 01:11:55,852 No. No, we know that Buffalo is upstate in New York. 1197 01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:57,062 Oh. 1198 01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:58,271 - Here. - Thank you. 1199 01:11:58,439 --> 01:11:59,731 - We've been there. - Oh. 1200 01:11:59,899 --> 01:12:00,941 Have you? 1201 01:12:01,109 --> 01:12:02,442 - No. Is it nice? - Oh, it's lovely. 1202 01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:04,778 Oh, isn't that interesting? 1203 01:12:08,741 --> 01:12:09,992 - Oh. Ha, ha. OSCAR: Ha, ha. 1204 01:12:10,159 --> 01:12:12,494 Silly me. Thank you. 1205 01:12:25,008 --> 01:12:30,053 How long have you two been in, uh, the United States of America? 1206 01:12:30,221 --> 01:12:32,180 - Oh. Um, four? Four. - Four. 1207 01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:34,307 Yes, almost four years now. 1208 01:12:35,309 --> 01:12:39,062 - Just visiting? - No, no, no. We live here. 1209 01:12:39,230 --> 01:12:40,272 Do you work here too? 1210 01:12:40,440 --> 01:12:41,481 - Yes, yes. - Oh. 1211 01:12:41,649 --> 01:12:43,734 Yes, we're secretaries for a health club. 1212 01:12:43,901 --> 01:12:47,821 People bring us their bodies, and we do wonderful things with them. 1213 01:12:47,989 --> 01:12:50,949 Actually, if you're interested, we could get you 10 percent off. 1214 01:12:51,117 --> 01:12:52,617 Off the price, not off your body. 1215 01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:54,619 [ALL LAUGH] 1216 01:12:54,787 --> 01:12:57,664 - Silly thing. Ha-ha-ha. - I couldn't help it. Ha-ha-ha. 1217 01:12:57,832 --> 01:13:01,001 Oscar! Where's the drinks? Huh? 1218 01:13:01,461 --> 01:13:03,462 [ALL CHUCKLING] 1219 01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:12,262 And what field of endeavor are you engaged in? 1220 01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:14,389 I write the news for television. 1221 01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:17,142 - Oh. - Oh, fascinating. Mm. 1222 01:13:17,310 --> 01:13:19,478 Where do you get your ideas from? 1223 01:13:24,192 --> 01:13:26,151 From, uh... 1224 01:13:27,153 --> 01:13:28,278 ...the news. 1225 01:13:28,446 --> 01:13:30,530 - Oh. - Oh, yes, of course. Silly me. 1226 01:13:30,698 --> 01:13:33,784 Well, maybe you can mention Gwen and I in one of your news reports. Ha, ha. 1227 01:13:34,494 --> 01:13:36,870 Well, you do something spectacular, maybe I will. 1228 01:13:37,038 --> 01:13:38,080 BOTH: Oh. Ha, ha. 1229 01:13:38,247 --> 01:13:42,375 We've done spectacular things, but I don't think we want it spread all over the telly, do you? 1230 01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:44,336 Oh, no. Oh, no. 1231 01:13:44,504 --> 01:13:45,629 - Could you imagine? - Yes. 1232 01:13:45,838 --> 01:13:47,172 [CECILY and GWENDOLYN LAUGHING] 1233 01:13:47,340 --> 01:13:48,590 [CHUCKLES] 1234 01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,259 Oscar! 1235 01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:55,472 This apartment is so big, sometimes you have to holler. 1236 01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:59,684 - Oh, ha, ha. - Ah, yes. Well, just you two baches live here? 1237 01:13:59,852 --> 01:14:02,562 Uh, baches? 1238 01:14:03,022 --> 01:14:07,609 Oh, you mean bach...? Bachelors? Oh, we're not bachelors. We're divorced. 1239 01:14:07,777 --> 01:14:11,029 That is, Oscar's divorced, and I'm getting, uh... 1240 01:14:12,073 --> 01:14:14,199 - Oh. - Oh, small world. 1241 01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:16,910 We've cut the dinghy loose too, as they say. Ha, ha. 1242 01:14:17,078 --> 01:14:19,913 Well, you couldn't have a better matched foursome, could you? 1243 01:14:20,081 --> 01:14:21,998 I suppose not. 1244 01:14:22,166 --> 01:14:24,793 Although, technically I am a widow. 1245 01:14:24,961 --> 01:14:27,254 I was divorcing my husband... 1246 01:14:27,421 --> 01:14:31,758 ...but he died before the final papers came through. 1247 01:14:31,968 --> 01:14:33,426 Oh. 1248 01:14:35,012 --> 01:14:37,889 Oh, I'm awfully sorry. Divorce is a terrible thing, isn't it? 1249 01:14:38,057 --> 01:14:40,851 Oh, it can be if you haven't got the right solicitor. 1250 01:14:41,018 --> 01:14:42,060 Now, that's true. 1251 01:14:42,228 --> 01:14:43,979 Sometimes it can drag out for months. 1252 01:14:44,147 --> 01:14:46,648 I was lucky. Snip, cut, and I was free. 1253 01:14:47,358 --> 01:14:52,237 Oh, but of course, that's all water under the bridge now, isn't it? 1254 01:14:52,405 --> 01:14:54,614 Um... Uh... 1255 01:14:54,782 --> 01:14:57,909 I'm terribly sorry. I think I've forgotten your name. 1256 01:14:58,077 --> 01:14:59,536 - Felix. - Yes, of course. Felix. 1257 01:14:59,704 --> 01:15:01,454 - Like the cat. Ha-ha-ha. GWENDOLYN: Ha-ha-ha. 1258 01:15:01,622 --> 01:15:02,914 Cat. Ha, ha. 1259 01:15:03,082 --> 01:15:06,084 Oh, well, the Pigeons will have to beware of the cat, won't they? 1260 01:15:06,252 --> 01:15:08,003 - Woo-hoo. - That's terrible. Quit it. 1261 01:15:08,171 --> 01:15:09,337 [CECILY and GWENDOLYN LAUGHING] 1262 01:15:09,505 --> 01:15:11,631 Ha, ha. Here. 1263 01:15:12,383 --> 01:15:14,384 That's the worst part about breaking up. 1264 01:15:14,552 --> 01:15:16,553 - Oh. - Oh. 1265 01:15:17,221 --> 01:15:18,847 Childhood sweethearts, were you? 1266 01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:23,143 No. That's my little boy and girl. He's 7, and she's 5. 1267 01:15:23,311 --> 01:15:26,062 - Oh, sweet. - Oh, sweet. Oh. 1268 01:15:26,230 --> 01:15:27,564 They live with their mother. 1269 01:15:27,732 --> 01:15:30,317 Oh. I imagine you must miss them terribly. 1270 01:15:30,484 --> 01:15:34,779 I can't stand being away from them, but that's what happens with divorce. 1271 01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:37,240 - When do you get to see them? - Every night. 1272 01:15:37,408 --> 01:15:40,660 I drop by on the way home, and I take them on weekends. 1273 01:15:40,828 --> 01:15:44,623 - And I get them on holidays, July and August. - Oh. 1274 01:15:44,790 --> 01:15:48,293 - Well, when is it that you miss them? - Whenever I'm not there. 1275 01:15:48,461 --> 01:15:51,922 If they didn't have to go to school so early, I'd make them breakfast. 1276 01:15:52,089 --> 01:15:56,009 - They love my French toast. - Oh. Well, you certainly are a devoted father. 1277 01:15:56,177 --> 01:15:59,012 - It's Frances who's the wonderful one. - She's the little girl? 1278 01:15:59,180 --> 01:16:02,140 - No, she's the mother, my wife. - What, the one you're divorcing? 1279 01:16:02,308 --> 01:16:04,768 Yeah. She's done a terrific job in bringing them up. 1280 01:16:04,936 --> 01:16:09,689 They always look so nice, so polite. Speak beautifully. Never "yeah," always "yes." 1281 01:16:09,857 --> 01:16:12,108 - Oh, isn't that lovely? - Such good kids. 1282 01:16:12,276 --> 01:16:14,527 And she's done it all. She's... 1283 01:16:14,695 --> 01:16:18,073 She's a wonderful woman. She's the kind of a woman who... 1284 01:16:18,241 --> 01:16:20,742 What am I doing? You're not interested in any of this. 1285 01:16:20,910 --> 01:16:22,369 Why, nonsense. 1286 01:16:22,536 --> 01:16:24,496 You've a right to be proud. 1287 01:16:24,664 --> 01:16:27,874 You have two beautiful children and a wonderful ex-wife. 1288 01:16:28,834 --> 01:16:30,543 Here's Frances. See? 1289 01:16:30,711 --> 01:16:33,755 - Oh. Oh, she is pretty. - Yeah. 1290 01:16:33,923 --> 01:16:37,092 - Isn't she pretty, Cecy? - Oh, yes. Pretty, pretty girl. 1291 01:16:37,260 --> 01:16:39,636 - She is pretty. Here, isn't that nice? - Very pretty. 1292 01:16:41,138 --> 01:16:42,305 There's no one in the picture. 1293 01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:44,307 - That's a picture of our living room. - Ah. 1294 01:16:44,475 --> 01:16:47,978 - We had a beautiful apartment. - Oh, it is. It's pretty. It's very pretty. 1295 01:16:48,145 --> 01:16:49,688 Those are lovely lamps. 1296 01:16:49,855 --> 01:16:52,899 Oh, thank you. We got those in Mexico... 1297 01:16:53,192 --> 01:16:54,943 ...on our honeymoon. 1298 01:16:56,112 --> 01:16:58,405 Gee, I used to love to come home at night. 1299 01:16:58,572 --> 01:17:00,532 That was my whole life. 1300 01:17:00,700 --> 01:17:03,493 My wife and my kids and my apartment. 1301 01:17:08,457 --> 01:17:10,083 Well... 1302 01:17:13,004 --> 01:17:16,172 Does she have the lamps now too? 1303 01:17:16,340 --> 01:17:17,507 Oh, yes. Sure. 1304 01:17:17,675 --> 01:17:18,800 I gave her everything. 1305 01:17:19,302 --> 01:17:20,969 My children... 1306 01:17:21,345 --> 01:17:23,263 ...and the lamps. 1307 01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:28,601 I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? I didn't mean to get emotional. 1308 01:17:30,896 --> 01:17:32,731 Would you like some potato chips? 1309 01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:34,899 [FELIX SOBBING] 1310 01:17:36,277 --> 01:17:38,695 Oh, please. 1311 01:17:38,863 --> 01:17:41,489 Please, you mustn't be ashamed. 1312 01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:45,201 No, I think... I think it's a rare quality in a man to be able to cry. 1313 01:17:45,369 --> 01:17:46,745 So do I. 1314 01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:51,207 I think it's sweet. Terribly, terribly sweet. 1315 01:17:51,375 --> 01:17:53,418 Please, because you're just making it worse. 1316 01:17:53,586 --> 01:17:58,715 No. No, it's so refreshing to hear a man speak so highly of the woman he's divorcing. 1317 01:17:58,883 --> 01:17:59,924 [FELIX SOBBING] 1318 01:18:00,092 --> 01:18:02,552 Oh. Oh, dear. 1319 01:18:03,179 --> 01:18:05,221 Now you've got me thinking about poor Sydney. 1320 01:18:05,389 --> 01:18:06,723 Oh, Gwen, please. 1321 01:18:06,891 --> 01:18:09,809 No. Well, it was a good marriage at first, wasn't it? 1322 01:18:09,977 --> 01:18:11,102 Yes. 1323 01:18:11,270 --> 01:18:14,147 Everybody said so, didn't they? 1324 01:18:14,315 --> 01:18:15,857 Not like you and George. 1325 01:18:16,025 --> 01:18:17,817 No, that's right. 1326 01:18:17,985 --> 01:18:20,278 George and I were never happy. 1327 01:18:20,446 --> 01:18:24,115 Not for one single, solitary day. 1328 01:18:24,283 --> 01:18:25,909 [ALL SOBBING] 1329 01:18:26,077 --> 01:18:28,953 - This is ridiculous. - I don't know what brought this on. 1330 01:18:29,121 --> 01:18:31,664 I was feeling so good a few minutes ago. 1331 01:18:31,832 --> 01:18:35,585 I haven't cried since I was 14. 1332 01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:41,883 Is everybody happy? 1333 01:18:42,051 --> 01:18:44,052 [FELIX and WOMEN SOBBING] 1334 01:18:49,100 --> 01:18:51,226 - What the hell happened? FELIX: Nothing, nothing. 1335 01:18:51,394 --> 01:18:54,437 Nothing? I'm gone three minutes, and I walk into a funeral parlor. 1336 01:18:54,605 --> 01:18:58,149 - What'd you say to them? - I didn't say anything. Don't start in on me. 1337 01:18:58,317 --> 01:19:00,235 I can't leave you alone for five seconds. 1338 01:19:00,403 --> 01:19:03,613 If you really wanna cry, go in the kitchen and look at your meat loaf. 1339 01:19:03,781 --> 01:19:05,824 Well, why didn't you call me? 1340 01:19:07,618 --> 01:19:12,372 Girls, I'm terribly sorry. Really, I am. I forgot to warn you about Felix. 1341 01:19:12,540 --> 01:19:15,333 He's a walking soap opera. Ha, ha. 1342 01:19:15,501 --> 01:19:19,379 I think he's the dearest thing I've ever met. 1343 01:19:19,547 --> 01:19:22,799 He's so sensitive, so fragile. 1344 01:19:22,967 --> 01:19:29,389 I just want to bundle him up in my arms and take care of him. 1345 01:19:29,557 --> 01:19:31,558 [CECILY and GWENDOLYN SOBBING] 1346 01:19:36,939 --> 01:19:40,442 I think when he comes out of that kitchen, you may have to. 1347 01:19:42,236 --> 01:19:44,446 We better get some corned-beef sandwiches. 1348 01:19:44,864 --> 01:19:47,615 No, wait, Felix. 1349 01:19:47,783 --> 01:19:49,909 Maybe we can salvage it. 1350 01:19:50,077 --> 01:19:51,578 FELIX: What? OSCAR: Yeah, let's see it. 1351 01:19:51,745 --> 01:19:54,581 See it? See what? Four dollars and eighty cents' worth of ashes? 1352 01:19:54,748 --> 01:19:57,083 I'd throw it down the incinerator, but it won't burn twice. 1353 01:19:57,251 --> 01:19:58,418 Oh. 1354 01:20:01,422 --> 01:20:03,756 I've got a wonderful idea. 1355 01:20:03,924 --> 01:20:06,759 - Why don't we eat up at our place? - That's a wonderful idea. 1356 01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:10,180 CECILY: Yes, if you don't mind taking potluck. - I'm crazy about potluck. 1357 01:20:10,347 --> 01:20:13,308 It's awfully hot up there. You'll have to take off your jackets. 1358 01:20:13,476 --> 01:20:15,185 We can always open up a refrigerator. 1359 01:20:15,352 --> 01:20:17,729 Give us five minutes to get into our cooking things. 1360 01:20:17,897 --> 01:20:20,773 Five minutes? Can't you make it four? I'm starving to death. 1361 01:20:20,941 --> 01:20:23,568 - Oh. Don't forget the wine. - How could I forget the wine? 1362 01:20:23,736 --> 01:20:25,069 - And a corkscrew. - Corkscrew. 1363 01:20:25,237 --> 01:20:26,696 - And Felix. - No, I won't forget Felix. 1364 01:20:26,864 --> 01:20:27,906 CECILY and GWENDOLYN: Ta-ta. 1365 01:20:28,073 --> 01:20:31,367 ALL: Ta-ta. 1366 01:20:32,244 --> 01:20:36,915 Ah, you bet your sweet little crumpets, ta-ta. 1367 01:20:37,082 --> 01:20:40,460 Felix, baby, I love you. Mwah. 1368 01:20:40,628 --> 01:20:43,129 You just overcooked us into one hell of a night. 1369 01:20:43,297 --> 01:20:47,008 - Come on, get the ice bucket. I got the wine. - I'm not going. 1370 01:20:47,676 --> 01:20:50,428 - Huh? - I said, I'm not going. 1371 01:20:50,596 --> 01:20:52,430 Are you out of your mind? 1372 01:20:52,598 --> 01:20:55,058 You know what's waiting for us up there? 1373 01:20:55,643 --> 01:20:57,810 You've just been invited to spend the evening... 1374 01:20:57,978 --> 01:21:00,813 ...in a two-bedroom hothouse with the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters. 1375 01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:02,565 What do you mean you're not going? 1376 01:21:02,733 --> 01:21:06,528 I've nothing left to say to them. I already told them about my brother in Buffalo. 1377 01:21:06,695 --> 01:21:10,865 - I've used up all my conversation. - Felix, Felix, they are crazy about you. 1378 01:21:11,033 --> 01:21:13,535 They're nuts about you. I'm telling you, they told me. 1379 01:21:13,702 --> 01:21:16,538 One of them wants to wrap you up and make a bundle out of you. 1380 01:21:16,705 --> 01:21:19,165 You're doing better than I am. Get the ice bucket. 1381 01:21:19,333 --> 01:21:22,001 Don't you understand? I cried in front of two women. 1382 01:21:22,169 --> 01:21:25,213 And they loved it. I'm thinking of getting hysterical. 1383 01:21:25,381 --> 01:21:27,882 - Come on, will you get the ice bucket? - Don't you see? 1384 01:21:28,050 --> 01:21:30,385 I'm still emotionally tied to Frances and the kids. 1385 01:21:30,553 --> 01:21:34,764 I don't wanna talk to you about it anymore. I'm gonna scrub the pots and wash my hair. 1386 01:21:36,392 --> 01:21:39,644 Your pots and your hair can wait. You're coming upstairs with me. 1387 01:21:39,812 --> 01:21:41,813 I'm not going. 1388 01:21:41,981 --> 01:21:44,399 What am I gonna do up there with two girls? 1389 01:21:44,567 --> 01:21:49,904 Felix. Felix, if I miss this opportunity, I'll never forgive you. 1390 01:21:52,783 --> 01:21:55,827 You're not gonna make any effort to change? 1391 01:21:55,995 --> 01:21:59,122 This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die? 1392 01:22:01,208 --> 01:22:04,210 We are what we are. 1393 01:22:25,482 --> 01:22:29,444 It's 12 floors, not 11! 1394 01:23:48,107 --> 01:23:50,108 [VACUUM WHIRRING] 1395 01:24:05,416 --> 01:24:07,417 [WHISTLING] 1396 01:25:37,174 --> 01:25:38,549 [CORD CRACKS and FELIX YELLS] 1397 01:25:38,717 --> 01:25:40,718 [POTS CRASHING] 1398 01:25:47,184 --> 01:25:49,185 [WHISTLING] 1399 01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:55,900 MAN [ON TV]: Hello, sports fans. 1400 01:25:56,068 --> 01:25:58,736 Well, speculation is running high among Yankee followers... 1401 01:25:58,904 --> 01:26:02,740 ...as to the possibility of trading away the great right-hander, Hank Moonjean... 1402 01:26:02,908 --> 01:26:07,578 ...for three unknown young players and an undetermined amount of cash. 1403 01:26:07,746 --> 01:26:11,749 Moonjean has racked up 10 wins against only three losses so far this year... 1404 01:26:11,917 --> 01:26:15,294 ...which is, incidentally, high for both leagues. 1405 01:26:15,462 --> 01:26:20,091 It looks to this reporter that the Yankee office will be bombarded by many protests... 1406 01:26:27,474 --> 01:26:28,724 [GROANS] 1407 01:26:28,892 --> 01:26:30,142 [CLEARS THROAT] 1408 01:27:07,431 --> 01:27:09,724 - How long is this gonna go on? - You talking to me? 1409 01:27:09,892 --> 01:27:12,184 - Yeah I'm talking to you. - What do you wanna know? 1410 01:27:12,352 --> 01:27:15,229 If you're gonna spend the rest of your life not talking to me. 1411 01:27:15,397 --> 01:27:16,898 And if you are, I'm gonna get a radio. 1412 01:27:17,065 --> 01:27:18,649 [CHUCKLES] 1413 01:27:18,817 --> 01:27:21,235 You had your chance to talk last night. 1414 01:27:21,403 --> 01:27:23,362 I begged you to come upstairs with me. 1415 01:27:23,530 --> 01:27:26,198 Here. Here's a key to the back door. 1416 01:27:26,366 --> 01:27:29,493 Now, you stick to the hallway and your room and you won't get hurt. 1417 01:27:29,661 --> 01:27:32,163 - Meaning what? - Meaning that if you wanna live here... 1418 01:27:32,331 --> 01:27:36,542 ...I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna hear you, I don't wanna smell your cooking. 1419 01:27:36,710 --> 01:27:40,713 Now, kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table. 1420 01:27:40,881 --> 01:27:42,882 [FELIX CHUCKLING] 1421 01:27:44,426 --> 01:27:47,386 - What the hell is so funny? - It's not spaghetti. It's linguine. 1422 01:27:47,554 --> 01:27:49,555 [FELIX CHUCKLING] 1423 01:28:00,400 --> 01:28:01,984 Now it's garbage. 1424 01:28:13,664 --> 01:28:15,331 You're crazy. 1425 01:28:15,624 --> 01:28:17,333 I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy. 1426 01:28:17,751 --> 01:28:21,087 I'm crazy, huh? That's really funny coming from a fruitcake like you. 1427 01:28:21,713 --> 01:28:24,757 - Uh-huh. I'm not cleaning that up. - Is that a promise? 1428 01:28:24,925 --> 01:28:27,635 Did you hear what I said? I'm not cleaning that up. 1429 01:28:27,803 --> 01:28:29,470 That's your mess. 1430 01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:32,682 Look at it. Look at it. It's hanging all over the wall. 1431 01:28:35,602 --> 01:28:37,353 I like it. 1432 01:28:38,480 --> 01:28:40,815 You'd just let it hang there, wouldn't you? 1433 01:28:40,983 --> 01:28:45,528 Just let it hang until it got all hard and brown and... 1434 01:28:45,696 --> 01:28:48,155 Yuck. It's disgusting. 1435 01:28:48,323 --> 01:28:51,325 - Well, I'm cleaning it. - Leave that alone. You leave that alone. 1436 01:28:51,493 --> 01:28:55,579 You touch one strand of that linguine and I'm gonna punch you right in your sinuses. 1437 01:28:55,747 --> 01:28:59,166 You better pull yourself... Hey, Oscar, come on, now. 1438 01:28:59,876 --> 01:29:03,629 - Listen, why don't you just take a tranquilizer? - Go to your room. 1439 01:29:03,797 --> 01:29:07,008 - I said, go to your room. - Let's just all settle down, huh? 1440 01:29:11,221 --> 01:29:13,973 I'm warning you, Felix. You wanna live through this night... 1441 01:29:14,141 --> 01:29:18,394 ...you'd better keep this door locked. And lock your windows too! 1442 01:29:49,926 --> 01:29:52,636 All right, Oscar, I'd like to know what's happened. 1443 01:29:54,556 --> 01:29:57,224 - What's happened? - Something made you go off the deep end. 1444 01:29:57,392 --> 01:29:59,602 Is it something I said or something I did? 1445 01:30:00,020 --> 01:30:02,980 Nothing you said, noth... Don't start me, Felix. 1446 01:30:03,148 --> 01:30:06,525 Oscar, what is it? Is it the cooking or the cleaning? The crying? 1447 01:30:06,693 --> 01:30:10,446 I'll tell you exactly what it is. It's the cooking, the cleaning, the crying. 1448 01:30:10,614 --> 01:30:12,323 It's the talking in your sleep. 1449 01:30:12,491 --> 01:30:16,077 It's those moose calls that open your ears at 2:00 in the morning. 1450 01:30:16,244 --> 01:30:18,245 [BELLOWING] 1451 01:30:20,999 --> 01:30:23,334 I can't take it anymore, Felix. I'm cracking up. 1452 01:30:23,502 --> 01:30:25,294 Everything you do irritates me. 1453 01:30:25,837 --> 01:30:30,257 And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. 1454 01:30:30,425 --> 01:30:32,718 You leave me little notes on my pillow. 1455 01:30:32,886 --> 01:30:38,265 I've told you 158 times, I cannot stand little notes on my pillow. 1456 01:30:38,433 --> 01:30:40,309 "We are all out of cornflakes. F.U." 1457 01:30:40,477 --> 01:30:44,605 Took me three hours to figure out that F.U. Was Felix Ungar. 1458 01:30:54,616 --> 01:30:58,244 It's not your fault, Felix. It's a rotten combination, that's all. 1459 01:30:58,620 --> 01:31:00,246 Yeah. I get the picture. 1460 01:31:00,872 --> 01:31:03,707 I haven't even painted the picture yet. 1461 01:31:04,000 --> 01:31:06,794 I got a typewritten list in my office... 1462 01:31:06,962 --> 01:31:10,297 ...of the 10 most aggravating things you do that drive me berserk... 1463 01:31:10,465 --> 01:31:12,424 ...but last night was the topper. 1464 01:31:12,592 --> 01:31:18,639 Oh, brother, that was the topper, that was the ever-loving lulu of all times. 1465 01:31:19,057 --> 01:31:21,684 I had it set up with that English Betty Boop and her sister... 1466 01:31:21,852 --> 01:31:25,229 ...and I wind up drinking tea all night and telling them your life story. 1467 01:31:25,397 --> 01:31:28,149 Don't blame me for that. I warned you not to make that date. 1468 01:31:28,316 --> 01:31:30,401 Don't point that at me unless you intend to use it. 1469 01:31:30,569 --> 01:31:32,862 Get off of my back, Oscar. Get off. Off. 1470 01:31:33,196 --> 01:31:34,738 What's this, a display of temper? 1471 01:31:34,906 --> 01:31:38,742 I haven't seen you angry since the day I dropped my cigar in your pancake batter. 1472 01:31:39,452 --> 01:31:41,745 You're asking to hear something I don't wanna say. 1473 01:31:41,913 --> 01:31:43,873 But if I do say it, I think you ought to hear. 1474 01:31:44,040 --> 01:31:47,877 You got anything on your chest besides your chin, you better get it off. 1475 01:31:48,044 --> 01:31:50,254 All right! Then you asked for it! 1476 01:31:50,672 --> 01:31:53,841 You're a wonderful guy, Oscar. You've done everything for me. 1477 01:31:54,009 --> 01:31:56,719 If it weren't for you, I don't know what would've happened. 1478 01:31:56,887 --> 01:32:00,848 You took me in, you gave me a place to live, you gave me something to live for. 1479 01:32:01,016 --> 01:32:04,101 I'm never gonna forget you for that, Oscar. 1480 01:32:04,269 --> 01:32:06,896 You're tops with me. 1481 01:32:11,193 --> 01:32:13,444 If I've just been told off, I may have missed it. 1482 01:32:13,904 --> 01:32:15,613 It's coming. 1483 01:32:16,323 --> 01:32:18,616 You're also one of the biggest slobs in the world. 1484 01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:20,618 - I see. - Totally unreliable... 1485 01:32:20,785 --> 01:32:22,953 - Is that it? ...undependable and irresponsible. 1486 01:32:23,121 --> 01:32:26,624 - Keep going, you're hot. - No, you've been told off. How do you like that? 1487 01:32:26,791 --> 01:32:28,834 Good. Good. 1488 01:32:29,211 --> 01:32:30,878 Because now... 1489 01:32:32,756 --> 01:32:35,007 ...I'm gonna tell you off. 1490 01:32:35,175 --> 01:32:37,509 For six months, I've lived alone in this apartment. 1491 01:32:37,677 --> 01:32:39,386 All alone in eight big rooms. 1492 01:32:39,554 --> 01:32:42,473 I was dejected, despondent and disgusted... 1493 01:32:42,641 --> 01:32:46,769 ...and then you moved in, my closest and dearest friend. 1494 01:32:46,937 --> 01:32:50,189 [IN STRAINED VOICE] And after three weeks of close personal contact... 1495 01:32:50,357 --> 01:32:53,025 ...I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. 1496 01:32:53,193 --> 01:32:56,237 Do me a favor, will you, Felix? Move into the kitchen. 1497 01:32:56,404 --> 01:32:59,615 Live with your pots, your pans, your ladles, your meat thermometers. 1498 01:32:59,783 --> 01:33:04,703 When you wanna come out, just ring a bell and I'll run into the bedroom. 1499 01:33:05,288 --> 01:33:08,374 I'm asking you nicely, Felix, as a friend. 1500 01:33:08,541 --> 01:33:10,876 Stay out of my way. 1501 01:33:14,756 --> 01:33:17,091 Walk on the paper. I washed the floor in there. 1502 01:33:26,226 --> 01:33:28,477 Hey, stay away from me, Oscar. 1503 01:33:29,437 --> 01:33:32,523 Hey, Oscar. Oscar, stay away from me. Oscar! Oscar, cut it out! 1504 01:33:32,691 --> 01:33:34,733 [IN NORMAL VOICE] This is the day I'm gonna kill you. 1505 01:33:34,901 --> 01:33:35,943 - Oscar! - I'm gonna kill you. 1506 01:33:36,111 --> 01:33:37,820 No! Oscar! 1507 01:33:45,412 --> 01:33:47,413 - Oscar. - I'm gonna kill you. 1508 01:33:47,580 --> 01:33:50,165 You hit me, you've got yourself one sweet lawsuit, boy. 1509 01:33:50,333 --> 01:33:51,375 [DOGS GROWL] 1510 01:33:51,543 --> 01:33:53,627 Those dogs should be on a leash. 1511 01:33:58,425 --> 01:34:02,720 - Oscar, can I speak to you calmly? - First you'll bleed, then we'll talk. 1512 01:34:04,639 --> 01:34:07,141 I got you now. There's no place for you to go but down. 1513 01:34:07,309 --> 01:34:10,728 Are you out of your mind? If you wanna fight, let's go to the living room. 1514 01:34:10,895 --> 01:34:14,690 I don't want you in my living room. I don't want you in my bedroom, my bathroom... 1515 01:34:14,858 --> 01:34:18,402 ...my kitchen, my elevator, my hall or my building. I don't want you at all. 1516 01:34:18,570 --> 01:34:20,279 - What? - It's over. The whole marriage. 1517 01:34:20,447 --> 01:34:21,697 We're getting an annulment. 1518 01:34:21,865 --> 01:34:24,533 Don't you understand? I don't wanna live with you anymore! 1519 01:34:24,701 --> 01:34:28,954 I want you to pack up your things, tie it up in Saran wrap and get out of here! 1520 01:34:29,122 --> 01:34:32,082 - You mean actually move out? - Actually, physically, immediately. 1521 01:34:32,250 --> 01:34:34,543 - You mean move out this minute? - Yes, this minute. 1522 01:34:34,711 --> 01:34:37,212 If you can do it sooner, I'd appreciate it. 1523 01:34:42,552 --> 01:34:44,720 You know, I've got a good mind to really leave. 1524 01:34:47,140 --> 01:34:48,932 Why doesn't he hear me? 1525 01:34:49,100 --> 01:34:51,769 I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice. 1526 01:34:51,936 --> 01:34:54,980 - Because if you really want me to go, I'll go. - Then go! 1527 01:34:55,148 --> 01:34:58,650 I want you to go, so go! When are you going? 1528 01:34:58,818 --> 01:35:00,402 [SCOFFS] 1529 01:35:00,570 --> 01:35:02,780 You're in a bigger hurry than Frances was. 1530 01:35:02,947 --> 01:35:06,992 Take as much time as she gave you. I want you to follow your usual routine. 1531 01:35:07,160 --> 01:35:12,331 - In other words, you're throwing me out. - Not in other words, those are the perfect ones! 1532 01:35:12,957 --> 01:35:15,334 All right. I just wanted to get the record straight. 1533 01:35:15,502 --> 01:35:18,921 - Let it be on your conscience. - Let what be on my conscience? 1534 01:35:19,631 --> 01:35:24,051 I'm perfectly willing to stay here and clear the air of our differences, but you refuse, right? 1535 01:35:24,219 --> 01:35:26,136 Right. I'm tired of you clearing the air. 1536 01:35:26,304 --> 01:35:28,138 - That's why I want you to leave. - Good. 1537 01:35:28,306 --> 01:35:31,433 But remember, what happens to me is your responsibility. 1538 01:35:31,601 --> 01:35:35,062 - Let it be on your head. - Let what be on my head? 1539 01:35:35,230 --> 01:35:38,440 Wait a minute. Why can't you get thrown out like a decent human being? 1540 01:35:38,608 --> 01:35:41,944 Let what be on my head? Huh? 1541 01:35:53,540 --> 01:35:57,626 I'm leaving now, according to your wishes and desires. 1542 01:35:57,794 --> 01:36:01,588 Either I'll come back and get the rest of my clothes or someone else will. 1543 01:36:05,301 --> 01:36:09,555 You are not going anyplace until you take it back. 1544 01:36:09,722 --> 01:36:12,641 - Take what back? - "Let it be on your head." 1545 01:36:12,892 --> 01:36:15,227 What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People? 1546 01:36:16,146 --> 01:36:20,315 - I can't leave if you're blocking the door. - Is this how you left that night with Frances? 1547 01:36:20,483 --> 01:36:24,194 No wonder she wanted your room repainted. I'm gonna have yours dipped in bronze. 1548 01:36:25,530 --> 01:36:27,990 Would you get out of the way, please? 1549 01:36:53,224 --> 01:36:55,058 Uh, where will you go? 1550 01:36:57,187 --> 01:36:59,062 Oh, come on, Oscar. 1551 01:36:59,230 --> 01:37:01,857 You're not really interested, are you? 1552 01:37:04,903 --> 01:37:07,946 All right, Felix, you win. We'll try to iron it out. 1553 01:37:08,114 --> 01:37:09,573 Come back, Felix. 1554 01:37:09,741 --> 01:37:11,450 Felix. 1555 01:37:11,910 --> 01:37:13,869 Felix, come back! 1556 01:37:14,037 --> 01:37:15,829 Don't leave me like this! 1557 01:37:16,831 --> 01:37:18,415 I'm telling you, I'm worried. 1558 01:37:18,583 --> 01:37:20,834 I know Felix. He's gonna try something crazy. 1559 01:37:21,002 --> 01:37:23,712 - You just threw him out? - That's right, I threw him out. 1560 01:37:23,880 --> 01:37:26,381 It was my decision. I admit it. Let it be on my head. 1561 01:37:26,549 --> 01:37:29,593 VINNIE: Let what be on your head? - How should I know? Felix put it there. 1562 01:37:29,761 --> 01:37:30,928 He's out there somewhere. 1563 01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:33,680 He was driving us crazy with his napkins and ashtrays... 1564 01:37:33,848 --> 01:37:36,808 ...and bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so. 1565 01:37:36,976 --> 01:37:40,562 - We didn't say kick him out. - Who do you think I did it for? I did it for us. 1566 01:37:40,730 --> 01:37:41,772 - Us? - Yes, that's right. 1567 01:37:41,940 --> 01:37:45,901 You know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? 1568 01:37:46,069 --> 01:37:47,444 - Do you have any idea? VINNIE: What? 1569 01:37:47,612 --> 01:37:51,990 A luau. An Hawaiian luau. Roast pork, fried rice, spare ribs. 1570 01:37:52,158 --> 01:37:55,410 - They don't play poker like that in Honolulu. SPEED: He's out there alone. 1571 01:37:55,578 --> 01:37:56,620 Now I'm really worried. 1572 01:37:56,788 --> 01:37:59,289 Why don't we stop worrying and start looking? Come on. 1573 01:37:59,457 --> 01:38:01,333 How we gonna find him? It's a big city. 1574 01:38:01,501 --> 01:38:05,420 "It's a big city." We'll look for a guy with a suitcase who's crying. 1575 01:38:05,588 --> 01:38:06,838 Come on. 1576 01:38:19,686 --> 01:38:21,645 They're not gonna like this at the station. 1577 01:38:21,813 --> 01:38:24,481 You're not supposed to look for a missing person with a missing car. 1578 01:38:24,649 --> 01:38:26,692 So take it out of my taxes. 1579 01:38:26,859 --> 01:38:29,319 We'll try his apartment first. 1580 01:38:36,536 --> 01:38:40,581 Well, Frances hasn't heard from him since he called to get her recipe for meat loaf. 1581 01:38:40,748 --> 01:38:42,082 MURRAY: Where to now? 1582 01:38:42,250 --> 01:38:43,875 Cruise along Riverside Drive. 1583 01:38:44,043 --> 01:38:45,877 This is crazy, Oscar. 1584 01:38:46,045 --> 01:38:49,381 - Why don't we call the cops? - Drive the car. 1585 01:38:58,474 --> 01:38:59,975 Hey, what are you doing, Murray? 1586 01:39:01,227 --> 01:39:04,521 Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling. 1587 01:39:12,405 --> 01:39:14,197 We already combed the whole west side. 1588 01:39:14,365 --> 01:39:16,867 Why don't we go back and wait to hear something? 1589 01:39:17,035 --> 01:39:18,869 Because I'm afraid we'll hear something. 1590 01:39:19,037 --> 01:39:21,538 - The poor guy. - Will you stop saying "the poor guy"? 1591 01:39:21,706 --> 01:39:24,166 What about me? I got this lousy curse on my head. 1592 01:39:24,334 --> 01:39:26,126 Aw, let's go back, Oscar. He'll show up. 1593 01:39:26,502 --> 01:39:28,754 I know him, he'll kill himself just to spite me. 1594 01:39:28,921 --> 01:39:31,965 Then his ghost will come back, following me around the apartment... 1595 01:39:32,133 --> 01:39:35,385 ...haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning. 1596 01:39:37,305 --> 01:39:40,390 Come on, Oscar, play a few hands. It'll take your mind off Felix. 1597 01:39:40,558 --> 01:39:43,018 Then stop mentioning his name. 1598 01:39:44,145 --> 01:39:46,813 I know what you're all thinking, but you're wrong. 1599 01:39:47,273 --> 01:39:49,107 It's his fault, not mine. 1600 01:39:49,275 --> 01:39:52,611 He never shouldn't have moved in here. He should've stayed with Blanche. 1601 01:39:52,779 --> 01:39:54,655 - Why should he? - Because it's his wife. 1602 01:39:54,822 --> 01:39:58,200 No, Blanche is your wife. His wife is Frances. 1603 01:39:58,576 --> 01:40:02,037 What are you, some kind of a wise guy? The game is over. Give me my cards. 1604 01:40:02,205 --> 01:40:04,706 - I don't wanna play anymore. - We didn't even start. 1605 01:40:04,874 --> 01:40:08,377 I'm not gonna worry about him. Why should I? He's not worrying about me. 1606 01:40:08,544 --> 01:40:12,422 He's out in the streets somewhere crying and sulking and having a wonderful time. 1607 01:40:12,590 --> 01:40:15,509 - I think I smell spaghetti. - It's not spaghetti, it's linguine. 1608 01:40:15,677 --> 01:40:17,219 Don't you care what happens to Felix? 1609 01:40:17,387 --> 01:40:20,222 - Thought you weren't worried. - I'm not worried, damn it. I'm not worried. 1610 01:40:20,390 --> 01:40:21,556 [DOORBELL BUZZES] 1611 01:40:21,724 --> 01:40:24,434 - That's him. I'll bet that's him. - I told you he'd be back. 1612 01:40:24,602 --> 01:40:27,854 Open the door. Everybody play cards like nothing happened, okay? 1613 01:40:28,022 --> 01:40:30,482 - Just deal them out. - All right. 1614 01:40:30,942 --> 01:40:32,150 Okay, open the door. 1615 01:40:34,696 --> 01:40:38,240 VINNIE: Oh. Hello. - How do you do? 1616 01:40:39,283 --> 01:40:41,743 - Oh, hello there, Cecily. - Gwendolyn. 1617 01:40:41,911 --> 01:40:43,578 Please, gentlemen, don't stand up. 1618 01:40:43,746 --> 01:40:48,083 - May I see you for a moment, Mr. Madison? - Certainly. Certainly, Gwendolyn. 1619 01:40:48,626 --> 01:40:51,002 What's, uh...? What's the matter? 1620 01:40:52,463 --> 01:40:54,047 I think you know. 1621 01:40:54,215 --> 01:40:56,341 I've come for Felix's things. 1622 01:41:04,726 --> 01:41:07,894 - You mean my Felix? - Oh, yes. Yes. Felix Ungar. 1623 01:41:08,062 --> 01:41:11,022 That sweet, tortured man who's in my flat at this moment... 1624 01:41:11,190 --> 01:41:13,316 ...pouring his heart out to my sister. 1625 01:41:13,484 --> 01:41:14,651 CECILY: Gwen? 1626 01:41:14,819 --> 01:41:18,947 Gwen. Felix doesn't want to stay. Please tell him to stay. 1627 01:41:19,115 --> 01:41:22,659 Please, girls, this is embarrassing. I can go to a hotel. How are you, Vinnie? 1628 01:41:22,827 --> 01:41:24,995 GWENDOLYN: Nonsense. There's plenty of room on the sofa. 1629 01:41:25,163 --> 01:41:26,997 I'll be in the way. Won't I be in the way? 1630 01:41:27,165 --> 01:41:30,625 - How could you possibly be in anyone's way? - Wanna see a typewritten list? 1631 01:41:30,793 --> 01:41:32,294 Haven't you said enough already? 1632 01:41:32,462 --> 01:41:35,297 - Please. Please. Just for a few days? - Until you get settled. 1633 01:41:35,465 --> 01:41:38,925 - Please say yes. - Oh, please. We'd be so happy. 1634 01:41:40,344 --> 01:41:43,013 - Well, maybe just for a few days. - Oh, that's marvelous. 1635 01:41:43,181 --> 01:41:45,015 Good. Then get the rest of your things. 1636 01:41:45,183 --> 01:41:47,184 - We'll go clean the house. - And cook dinner. 1637 01:41:47,351 --> 01:41:50,645 GWENDOLYN: It'll be so nice to have a man about the house again. Come on, Cecy. 1638 01:41:50,813 --> 01:41:53,648 Good night, gentlemen. So sorry to interrupt your bridge game. 1639 01:41:53,816 --> 01:41:55,233 - Ta-ta. - Ta-ta. 1640 01:41:55,401 --> 01:41:56,943 WOMEN and FELIX: Ta-ta. 1641 01:41:57,111 --> 01:41:58,945 [CECILY and GWENDOLYN CHUCKLE] 1642 01:42:02,742 --> 01:42:04,826 [CHUCKLES] 1643 01:42:04,994 --> 01:42:06,536 Ah. 1644 01:42:08,831 --> 01:42:10,832 [FELIX HUMMING] 1645 01:42:16,756 --> 01:42:21,551 - What'd I tell you? It's always the quiet guys. - Gee, what nice girls. 1646 01:42:24,764 --> 01:42:26,765 [HUMMING] 1647 01:42:29,101 --> 01:42:30,143 - Hey, Felix. - Huh? 1648 01:42:30,311 --> 01:42:32,103 Felix, are you really gonna move in with them? 1649 01:42:32,271 --> 01:42:34,773 Just for a couple of days, you know, until I can get my own pad. 1650 01:42:34,941 --> 01:42:36,274 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1651 01:42:36,442 --> 01:42:38,151 - Aren't you gonna thank me? - For what? 1652 01:42:38,319 --> 01:42:41,571 The two greatest things I've ever done for you. Taking you in and throwing you out. 1653 01:42:41,739 --> 01:42:42,781 [FELIX CHUCKLES] 1654 01:42:42,949 --> 01:42:46,159 Oscar, you're right. Getting thrown out twice is enough for any man. 1655 01:42:46,327 --> 01:42:48,537 In gratitude, I remove the curse. 1656 01:42:48,704 --> 01:42:50,705 Bless you and thank you, Wicked Witch of the North. 1657 01:42:50,873 --> 01:42:51,915 [PHONE RINGING] 1658 01:42:52,083 --> 01:42:53,250 Yup. It's probably the girls. 1659 01:42:53,417 --> 01:42:56,086 MURRAY: Hello. - They hate it when I'm late for cocktails. 1660 01:42:56,254 --> 01:42:57,295 It's your wife. 1661 01:42:57,505 --> 01:43:00,173 Oh. Um... 1662 01:43:00,341 --> 01:43:03,718 Do me a favor, Murray. Tell her I can't talk to her right now. 1663 01:43:03,886 --> 01:43:06,888 Tell her I'll call in a couple days. We have a lot to talk about. 1664 01:43:07,056 --> 01:43:08,890 Tell her if I sound different to her... 1665 01:43:09,058 --> 01:43:11,810 ...it's because I'm not the same man she threw out three weeks ago. 1666 01:43:11,978 --> 01:43:16,398 - Heh. Tell her that. Go ahead and tell her. - I will when I see her. This is Oscar's wife. 1667 01:43:17,024 --> 01:43:18,233 Oh. 1668 01:43:22,196 --> 01:43:23,530 Hello, Blanche. 1669 01:43:23,698 --> 01:43:26,867 Yeah, I got a good idea why you're calling. You got my checks, right? 1670 01:43:27,034 --> 01:43:29,744 So now we're all even up? Right. 1671 01:43:29,912 --> 01:43:33,707 No, I haven't been winning at the track. I've just been eating home a lot lately. 1672 01:43:33,875 --> 01:43:34,916 [CHUCKLES] 1673 01:43:35,084 --> 01:43:37,836 You don't have to thank me, Blanche. I'm just doing what's right. 1674 01:43:38,004 --> 01:43:40,130 That's very nice of you too. 1675 01:43:40,298 --> 01:43:43,842 Good night, Mr. Madison. You need any heavy cleaning, I get $1.50 an hour. 1676 01:43:44,468 --> 01:43:45,552 Wait. 1677 01:43:45,720 --> 01:43:47,846 Yeah. Yeah. Okay. 1678 01:43:48,014 --> 01:43:51,057 Right. Talk to you tomorrow night. Kiss the kids for me, will you? 1679 01:43:51,225 --> 01:43:52,809 Right. Good night, Blanche. 1680 01:43:52,977 --> 01:43:56,313 Felix, what about next Friday? You're not gonna break up the poker game. 1681 01:43:56,480 --> 01:43:59,691 Me? Never. Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. 1682 01:43:59,859 --> 01:44:01,651 So long, Frances. 1683 01:44:03,571 --> 01:44:05,322 So long, Blanche. 1684 01:44:08,784 --> 01:44:11,828 Well, are we just gonna sit around, or are we gonna play poker? 1685 01:44:11,996 --> 01:44:14,414 MURRAY and SPEED: Let's play some poker. VINNIE: Deal the cards. 1686 01:44:14,582 --> 01:44:16,833 Hey, boys, boys, boys. 1687 01:44:17,001 --> 01:44:21,963 Let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty. 1688 01:44:22,757 --> 01:44:23,798 [VINNIE CHUCKLES] 1689 01:44:23,966 --> 01:44:26,301 Ante a quarter, fellas. 1690 01:44:32,266 --> 01:44:34,267 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1691 01:44:35,000 --> 01:44:38,081 Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player